Dressing the Part

The bailiff called the court to order and the clerk read of the docket number. The DA was ready and so was the defense. The Judge was doubtful of that.

"Would both counsels please approach the bench?", he said.

The DA was puzzled by this but, then, so was the defense.

"Uh, Counselor, do you realize that your client looks like he was just dragged in from the dump--the really scummy, bad part?", the Judge asked the defense lawyer.

"Yes, Your Honor, I'm aware off that. It’s a big part of my defense. It was as bad as I could get him and not have him placed in isolation by the Health Board", the lawyer told him.

"Your Honor", the DA exclaimed, "this is a travesty and-"

"Hey, want to lower that voice? This is just between the three of us, not the whole building. Counselor, why is your client like this?", the Judge asked.

"Well, Your Honor, it's like this. When the defendant is some scummy-looking dude with BO and bad teeth we clean him up, get him into a suit and try to fool the jury. Well, my client is a wealthy playboy so I went the same route except in reverse."

"Your Honor", the DA snickered, "the people have no objection. We don't understand what's up and neither will the jury. This is just too dumb. No objection by the people."

"No, I suppose not. Counselor, if you lose this case, you'll be able to commit the perfect crime and get away with it. No one would be able to argue that you're sane."

When Man First Swung Out Of The Trees

It was an accident is what it was. Doofus was showing off to the girls by swinging out of the trees into the savannah and swinging back in again with that idiotic grin that made people think he was a moron, which he was. The girls were laughing at him, Doofus knew, but they were paying attention to him. He figured some day he'd get lucky with one of them. The truth was that the girls thought he was an ass and he was never going to get lucky. As he swung out deep into the savannah his hands slipped and he went flying. Everyone screamed because to go into the savannah was to be eaten by something. Then they remembered who it was and shrugged it off. It was only Doofus.

Oldman, the oldest of the tree swingers called attention to the idea of "all for one and one for all". Everyone hooted at him but he insisted that it was the people’s duty to rescue Doofus because he was "one of us". They laughed at that idea but Rockhead thought that Oldman was right. Big Cahunas couldn’t very well back down from a challenge to his manhood. If Rockhead was going out to the savannah to get eaten then Big Cahunas was going too. The Shorty, who always felt he had something to prove, and he always did, said everyone should go. This could have become the world’s first buffet and the end of mankind if things had worked out a little bit differently such as a pride of lions, hungry lions, prowling around.

Shorty jumped on a log and called out, "It’s time we left the trees and took a step up in the world. It’s more than just these trees. We need to go out and show who’s boss".

Wiseass yelled out, "Hey, Shorty, we know who’s boss. The lions, that’s who. They’re bigger, faster and have sharper teeth. What’s wrong with you? You been hanging round that Doofus goof too long".

Oldman piped in with, "I sense the truth of what Shorty is saying. We do need to step forward".

A good many of the people thought that Oldman had just lost his senses to be honest about it. They didn’t want to go out into the savannah. No, that’s not true. They did want to go out there. What they didn’t want was to be eaten by lions.

Sexpot settled it by saying she was going and did any of the men want to join her. Join her? It was what they all dreamed about doing. Cats be damned.