Being a tourist in Charleston, SC, in July or August is about as senseless a thing to do as there is. For openers, you’re not welcome. The people will be polite but they wished you’d leave. It’s not that the locals don’t like tourists; it’s that they despise them.

“I can’ stan’ turists”, the locals start saying in January.

Then there’s the weather. It’s 100 degrees and 100 per cent humidity. Even the mosquitoes won’t bite. They just lounge around fanning themselves and slowly starving. They don’t make a deodorant that lasts two minutes in that weather. Breathing outdoors is a chore. The locals think anyone who comes here to spend money and not earn it is nuts.

“Why, only a plumb fool’d come heah this tum of the yar”.

Then there’s the ranting when the tourist, thinking it’s just the South, runs low on money the third day of a seven day visit. People in Charleston can fleece a tourist like it was picking a pocket. They don’t want you here but if you come you’re going home broke.

The tourist always go to the Battery. There they can gaze out at Ft. Sumpter and be standing on the spot where the first shots were fired in the Civil War, or the War of Northern Aggression, or the War for Southern Independence or whatever. They gaze out and gaze out and gaze out. What they don’t do is see Ft. Sumpter. They ask a local where it is.

“Why, it’s raht ther”, the local says as he points to a speck in the ocean and thinking this is one dumb...

“That speck? That’s Ft. Sumpter?”, the tourist asks, wondering if he’s being made fun of. He is.

“Wahl, it don’ lak lak much from heah. You need to go raht on out thar”.

The tourist does. His wife doesn’t want to go. She wants to go to the Market; the kids want to go home. They all go to Ft. Sumpter on the tour boat. Here you have a choice. You can sit in the air-conditioned lower deck and drink beer or sit on the open deck getting some sun and a heat stroke.

“Why’s thet fool sittin’ out thar, Cap”.

“He’s stupid”.

As you get to Ft. Sumpter, you think it’s some mistake. This looks like a deserted brickyard. No mistake. Ft. Sumpter looks exactly like a deserted brickyard with a gift shop. You have an hour to look around. You need five minutes.

Another popular site is Patriot’s Point. There you have a WWII aircraft carrier, a destroyer, a submarine, a Coast Guard cutter and a replica of a Vietnam firebase. There’s also a gift shop.

Now, this aircraft carrier was built with 20 year-old sailors in mind. The stairs are narrow and steep. It’s the narrow part that causes most of the problem. There you are going up from the bottom of the hold, where it’s 110 degrees, to the next level. There a fat guy in front of you and a fat family behind you. The guy in front, not a 20 year-old sailor, gets stuck. Really wedged in. You turn to go back down to find another exit and the family behind you is stuck. Now’s when you wish you were home.

The plantations are nice. They are beautiful and have tremendous flower gardens. They have tremendous bugs, alligators and the occasional snake. Poisonous snakes. All of these creatures are in a foul mood. It’s hot. It’s humid. You’re a tourist.

Should you go to Charleston on vacation? Sure. Bring a lot of money, a lot of sunscreen and never leave your room. Drink some beer. Watch the tv. They get all the channels in Charleston.

Just don’t bother the natives.