Table of contents

These stories are from my series for Commuters. The following are from Funny Stuff To Read On The Commuter Bus.



  Alan Just Likes To Fly

Alan used to scare his passengers taking off too. He was never too sure he was going fast enough so he’d wait until he got to the end of the runway to liftoff. Sometimes he’d misjudge that and end up plowing through the cornfield at the end of the runway. He hadn’t done that in years, though. Damn farmer always charged him top dollar for the corn. He once charged him before he had it planted. Alan was pissed but it was better than talking to the NTSB.


Sitting Bull, Crazy Horse and Sgt. Preston of the Yukon Palaver

“Hold it! I have to read your rights to you first,” Sgt. Preston of the Yukon told them. He then read them their rights. The various Commanches, Sioux, Cheyennes and others didn’t know rights from buffalo dung. You catch someone, you kill him. The man had a right to remain silent but he wasn’t going to. He was going to be screaming, especially those soft white eyes. They didn’t know what an attorney was. If they had, they would have had more sympathy for white eyes. They would have found Jesus.


  Kansas

“Havin’ a right poor year”, Clyde says.

“Well, so am I”, Lonnie replies. That’s just about it for conversation. There’s nothing else to talk about in Kansas except for tornadoes. Tornadoes can move your truck someplace else. It can move your house someplace else. It can move your land someplace else.


The Millionaire

Time before that he gave the million to a couple who were known to love children but couldn’t have any and couldn’t afford to adopt. This would be great. Didn’t turn out that well. “Gee, sweetcakes, now we can adopt a son”, the man told his wife.

“A little girl. That’s what I dream of.”

“A son to carry on the family name”, he insisted.

“What? Smith?”


  Arlene and lips

He came back in to find Henny there with his duck. That duck was smelly and ugly. Lips hated that duck. Hated the duck’s owner too. Arlene thought it was cute. The duck just sat there watching Henny drink. Then Henny would leave and take the duck back to the pond. It wasn’t Henny’s duck. He just liked to drink with someone dumber than he was. Since no human being was, he brought a duck with him.


Panic Times

Panic is one of those undefinable words. Panic for one person isn’t the same as panic for someone else. Judy panicked when she broke a nail.

“Oh, no! What am I going to do? The party starts in an hour and I break a nail! Ralph, call the Wilson’s and tell them we can’t make it. Tell them, I don’t know, tell my mother died. No, I used that one last time. Tell them something! Don’t just stand there!”.


 












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