Alan Just Likes To Fly
Alan used to scare his passengers taking off too. He was never too sure he was going fast enough so he’d wait until he got to the end of the runway to liftoff. Sometimes he’d misjudge that and end up plowing through the cornfield at the end of the runway. He hadn’t done that in years, though. Damn farmer always charged him top dollar for the corn. He once charged him before he had it planted. Alan was pissed but it was better than talking to the NTSB.
“Hold it! I have to read your rights to you first,” Sgt. Preston of the Yukon told them. He then read them their rights. The various Commanches, Sioux, Cheyennes and others didn’t know rights from buffalo dung. You catch someone, you kill him. The man had a right to remain silent but he wasn’t going to. He was going to be screaming, especially those soft white eyes. They didn’t know what an attorney was. If they had, they would have had more sympathy for white eyes. They would have found Jesus.
I sent my state income tax from in April 17th. No real reason other than I’m, by nature, a procrastinator. I didn’t owe any money. I had a refund due. I wasn’t planning to use the money for any particular thing so I wasn’t in any hurry. The amount I was getting back was about $1200. I figured it would be late July before I got it.
The end of July comes and no check. On August 8th, I called about it. I was told that my return had been received but not processed yet. Okay. Now it’s September 12th and still no return. Time to see what’s what. I called and got a human being on the line. That should have made things easier. Foolish me.
One of Duke’s wives, probably number three, the witch with the big mouth and butt to match, once called him, “The walking death wish.” What she didn’t realize was that she was right but he wasn’t wishing for his death. He liked number two the best. She left because she didn’t want to, 'be the one to scrape him into a plastic bag for the tree lawn.’ Yea, number two, what was her name?, she was the best. Great sense of humor, old whatshername or number. Great gal.
The Devil, who is real and thinks he rules the dark side, was a little bit leery of the Nightmare man himself. The guy wasn’t real so the Devil couldn’t do anything about him or to him. Still, the Devil would like to take a snooze but was scared to. The guy was a treacherous one and you couldn’t be sure at which moment he might show up. Satan was tired of him and tired period.
Billyboy loved to preach the word of God or at least his version of it. The elders had several times had to explain Billboy’s quotes from scripture as “interpretive reading." No one knew what that meant so it flew like a bird. Billyboy had the people eating out of his hands. He made Jesse Jackson sound like a stumbling stutterer. The man could talk. As one of the elders said, 'Man, he can sure sling the shit, can’t he?’ ”
“Havin’ a right poor year”, Clyde says.
“Well, so am I”, Lonnie replies. That’s just about it for conversation. There’s nothing else to talk about in Kansas except for tornadoes. Tornadoes can move your truck someplace else. It can move your house someplace else. It can move your land someplace else.
Time before that he gave the million to a couple who were known to love children but couldn’t have any and couldn’t afford to adopt. This would be great. Didn’t turn out that well. “Gee, sweetcakes, now we can adopt a son”, the man told his wife.
“A little girl. That’s what I dream of.”
“A son to carry on the family name”, he insisted.
The Mohicans didn’t know what to expect, but what they got wasn’t it. They got cornbread, corn muffins, and corn on the cob. Corn? The Native-Americans grew that to trick the deer. They didn’t know until right now it could trick the whites. None of them would eat the stuff. Eat corn with the forests full of meat? Then came the steaming pots. Ah!! Now, this is more like it. Some venison stew. The ladies took the lids off and it was creamed corn. Creamed corn? That’s it, that’s really it. The Mohicans were out of there. They didn’t even care if they got caught in the middle of the dispute between the Hurons and the Iroquois. As long as they didn’t to eat corn. It gave them the runs.
“Listen, you make a mistake with a cat and you’re gone. D-E-A-D gone”, said Grover. “Not all cats are like Tinkerbell.”
All the rats laughed at that. Tinkerbell was Mrs. Simpson’s cat. It was fat and stupid. On top of being slow it was afraid of rats. It was afraid of mice! Every rat in the neighborhood had teased this cat at one time or another. The apartment manager couldn’t figure out why the rats liked her apartment so much. He spent all her rent money on pest control. The pest control guy could never see a rat but saw evidence they had been around. Rat crap always tells the story. He also wondered about that cat. What kind of rats hung around where a cat lived and were never seen when he got there to kill them?
On the way home it hit him. He was dead! He was a restless spirit, roaming around his old haunts. He felt alive and real but he knew he really wasn’t. He drove home without waiting on traffic lights. He didn’t watch his speed and didn’t touch his brake petal.
To the charge that you have to use the same old tea bag, cup after cup, the restaurant industry responds with, “Hey, we use the same old coffee grounds over and over too. What, you think we use fresh grounds to make more coffee? No, we just recycle the old grounds. That’s why refills are free, twit. Heck, order coffee after midnight and you get sober just smelling the java. Me, I wouldn’t touch the stuff.”
Arlene and lips
He came back in to find Henny there with his duck. That duck was smelly and ugly. Lips hated that duck. Hated the duck’s owner too. Arlene thought it was cute. The duck just sat there watching Henny drink. Then Henny would leave and take the duck back to the pond. It wasn’t Henny’s duck. He just liked to drink with someone dumber than he was. Since no human being was, he brought a duck with him.
Panic is one of those undefinable words. Panic for one person isn’t the same as panic for someone else. Judy panicked when she broke a nail.
“Oh, no! What am I going to do? The party starts in an hour and I break a nail! Ralph, call the Wilson’s and tell them we can’t make it. Tell them, I don’t know, tell my mother died. No, I used that one last time. Tell them something! Don’t just stand there!”.
Homer noticed that some of the angels were ugly and being snubbed by the ones in white. Must be the demons taking a last shot. Homer thought that death was the last shot. Then Micah told him that it was but the demons didn’t believe that.
“You know, they aren’t too smart. Not like us. They picked a losing side to be on. I wouldn’t want to have to hand you over to them. I would, but I wouldn’t want to.” Another comforting thought.
That made Homer feel a lot better right there. His own guardian angel was undecided. You’d think he’d know. Maybe he does and doesn’t want to hurt Homer’s feelings. On the other hand, the demons were really going to hurt Homer’s feeling if that’s where he ended up.
The creature everyone liked was the monkey. The monkey didn’t always drink from the hole. He was a tree creature and had other sources of water. He was loved for his good nature and sense of humor. He made the other animals laugh. Even the lion. Even the rhino, who hated to laugh. There was a time the monkeys were run off when they came to the hole. Then their bigger cousins, the apes, came down and straightened everyone out. They were quicker and stronger than the lion. They were smarter and quicker than the rhino. The elephant couldn’t react fast enough to flick them off. The monkeys didn’t get bothered much after that.
That got Robert thinking. He suggested that they do an escape. Maybe head over to the Interstate and stop traffic and play “catch me if you can” with the police. The monkeys loved this game. The cops would get real close and the monkey would scurry away laughing to beat all. The police always wanted to start shooting after an hour or so. The monkeys had to watch the time. Those humans had no sense of humor. They did have a huge vocabulary of cuss-words.
Then there's Oklahoma. There's a drought there. There's been a drought there for 500 years. That's why the federal government gave the land away. Even the Native Americans didn’t want it. They hoped the dumbass white men took it all so they wouldn’t have to live there. That way all the stupid people would be in one place. Some day some smart President is going to clean up the gene pool by nuking Oklahoma.