Tribute to a Great Dog---When he goes out he always checks for toads first. If he doesn’t find one he then goes out into the yard and pees. If he does find one and it jumps he pees right then and there. He jumps three feet in the air as if he’s scared of the toad. That’s dumb. On the other hand, Jake doesn’t have any warts either.After playing with the toad he looks to see if Mommy planted any new flowers. Then he digs them up. If he put one between his teeth and presented it to her that would be one thing. Jake doesn’t have that kind of class. No, he roots around until he gets the roots all around the patio. Then he pees and comes in to rest up.

CharlieB and the Train--- His attitude was to fight until you were a bleeding wreck. He had no sense of proportion at all. Mostly, people just didn't do anything to piss him off. Some people, though, got him worked up by just being their own natural selves. Charlie B was one of them. Charlie B was the kind of guy you didn’t want as a friend but it was easier to keep an eye on him that way. He had no scruples and would steal anything you had. Everyone wanted to kick his ass but only the Puerto Rican kids did. They got away with it by saying, “No comprendo.” One of the things Ben and I liked to do was watch the train on Saturday afternoons. It was just something we liked. Charlie B found out about it and asked if he could come along. Ben said he could if he accepted the fact that he wouldn't be coming back. Charlie B just laughed. I laughed too but not as heartily. I knew Ben too well; I knew Charlie B too well. It was as if Ben was dynamite and Charlie B was a match, a lit match. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go.

The Wateringhole-- The creature everyone liked was the monkey. The monkey didn’t always drink from the hole. He was a tree creature and had other sources of water. He was loved for his good nature and sense of humor. He made the other animals laugh. Even the lion. Even the rhino, who hated to laugh. There was a time the monkeys were run off when they came to the hole. Then their bigger cousins, the apes, came down and straightened everyone out. They were quicker and stronger than the lion. They were smarter and quicker than the rhino. The elephant couldn’t react fast enough to flick them off. The monkeys didn’t get bothered much after that.

My Grandpap Was A Genius ---Down the stairs I went. It was getting painful. I peeked into the living room but no doors. That left the kitchen. Nope, no bathroom there! What is this? I needed to go. If I only needed to pee, it would have been no problem; A guy can pee anywhere. What I needed was a toilet, and I couldn’t find one. I had no choice but to ask.

Junk Yard Dog--- He took what the dog did a little too much to heart. How to get back at him? Break into the junkyard, of course. He didn’t intend to get bitten again. He’d have to put the dog away somehow. The TV always showed them using tranquilizers. OK. Where to get that stuff. The zoo! He had no trouble breaking into the zoo. They were more concerned with keeping creatures in, not people out. He got into their supply rooms. These look like a gun. Well! They don’t shoot these animals so these must be the dart gun and, Yep, there are the darts. He grabbed a couple of them. He popped the guard off the end of one to see what-ouch!!He the woods surrounding the zoo. He slept for two days. He woke up wet, hungry and dart-less. OK, have to come up with another plan.

The Bear--- Tim went totally silent. The old saying “don’t ever get between a mama bear and her cub” was nonsense. You shouldn’t be in the same woods as a mama bear and her cub. Bears are sensitive about their cubs. They didn’t scare easily, or at all. Old Tim slowly and carefully looked around just moving his eyes. He hoped his eyes didn’t click when he did. Old Tim was afraid to turn his head to see if he was safe. He knew he couldn’t just stand there. The mama would be back soon enough. Old Tim slowly walked away. He wanted to run but that might draw the Mama bear’s attention. That was the last thing he wanted.

Like A Big Monkey On A Toilet--- Most of the visitors, except for kids, were alright, They’d stare but that was all. The kids were a pain in the butt. They’d bang on the glass. Ivan started each day with a hangover and these kids weren’t helping any. Ivan needed to get a hold of an ice pack. That would do the trick. He wouldn’t be able to explain it but, as an ape, he didn’t have to. It would just be one of those mysteries in life. Nothing seemed to embarrass humans either. They’d wear clothes to cover up and then wear them in a way to show as much as possible and still be dressed. That made no sense to Ivan. If you’re going to go naked then go naked. You’re born naked. That doesn’t seem to bother anyone. Another human quirk, Ivan supposed.

The Lonesome Cowboy---Damsel in distress? The first time that happened was April 4, 1870. A cowboy, riding to find a job, spotted a damsel on a runaway buggy. He immediately galloped to the rescue. He managed to catch up to the carriage and leap on. He immediately fell and was run over by the buggy, which then went over a cliff. The cowboy quickly glanced around to see if anyone was watching. Then he’d report it but say he was too far away to prevent it going over the cliff. The sheriff would pretend to believe him.

A Family History--- I had one great-grandfather who served for a while in the Civil War. He joined the Pennsylvania militia when Lee came North. At Gettysburg, he lost a hand trying to catch a cannonball. The cannonball took the hand and kept on going. He was known as “lefty” and “stupid.” He attended the 50th reunion of the Gettysburg battle. He was still pissed about the hand and damn near restated the whole fight back up again. “How did guys this stupid beat us ?”, one of the rebels said. “You were stupider.”

Dickie Bird--- I hated going to the Military Police with no clue. I was pretty quick on my feet but it was always useful to know what they had on me. The old man came home right at four, scowled and pointed his thumb at the car. He always thought we were guilty, no matter what. That was reasonable but not fair. He didn't speak to us or anything like that. He never said anything to us. If we upset him he would say to Mom, “You better do something about those boys.” He was more worried about this than we were.

The Pope--- The English had kicked his boys out or hanged them. That was bad enough but it also meant the money went to the King instead of Rome. It cut the income by ten percent. He’d have to cut either his expenses or cut the charities. The Cardinals and Bishops could take a 25 %cut. The Vatican Treasurer told John Paul Peter And Matthew that he’d have to wear his gold and silver inlaid robe for another year, maybe two years. The Pope couldn’t figure that one because he only wore them on Easter Sunday. One of the many odd church doings. The Barbarians were at the gate again. There was no satisfying them. Give them a nickel and they wanted a dime. Dimes were getting scarce but they didn’t care. They were always a troublesome lot. They were usually filthy and smelled bad. They tried the Roman women but even the hookers turned them down. It was lucky they didn’t care for city life. The Pope, John Paul Peter And Matthew didn’t have to negotiate too often. Of, course, negotiability meant giving them what they wanted and they wanted a lot. What they used it for puzzled the Pope. There was nothing out here worth the journey to Rome

HippityHoppity--- Hippity Hopitty was waiting for his dealer when this tatty, beat-up, ancient pickup rolled by and two dogs riding in the back barked at Hippity Hopitty. They really let out a howl. They sounded like a pack of wolves jumping on a herd of sheep. Hippity Hopitty liked to jump out of his skin when he heard that. He thought he might have crapped his pants too. He got real pissed off, real pissed off. Ain’t no honky, gray-meat dawg gonna do no bawling at Hippity Hopitty three of the shots hit the two men riding in the truck, causing them to crash into a pole. They were ejected right through the windshield. Emergency Medical personnel rushed them to Roper Hospital. The police said the gunshot wounds were minor and the accident injuries were superficial. The shooter had left the scene before the police arrived. A witness described what happened. He said the shooter fled the scene.

Funny Money--- Joss money. Joss money is sold everywhere in China. You're supposed to burn it to please your ancestors. It looks as real as our money. Possibly more real except for the Chinaman in the center. Probably worth more. The more you look at it, the more real it looks. You think that you may have a lot of Chinese money that you can convert into a fair amount of American currency. You're a little excited until you go to exchange it. The clerk looks at the joss money and then at you. Then he hits the alarm for their version of a treasury agent. You get arrested for counterfeiting. The agent laughs and makes fun of you for making something so goofy and cheesy-looking. You don’t get it since he speaks Kung Fu instead of English like a civilized person. Getting arrested in China is exactly the same as being found guilty. You’ll have plenty of time to learn Chinese in prison

Independence Day--- “Yes, well, so what! I guess they don’t count then, do they? What are you, some liberal?” “Hey”, Franklin retorted, “ don’t you be calling me names, you-” “Gentlemen!”, Washington cried out. “ Let us not fight amongst ourselves. Tom, this document reads well. However, I’d like to point out that the average guy on the street won’t understand it.” The next day the Declaration of Independence was read aloud from the town squares all through the colonies,err, states. The crowds cheered and made such comments as, “Hurrah!” “Cheers!” “I don’t understand it!”

When First Man Left The Trees--- They could easily see where Doofus had broken grass. They decided to follow the tracks. They wished later they had brought something to hit with. They slowly made their way. It seemed Doofus wasn’t alone. There were tracks following his. They gave the party the creeps. The savanna wasn’t as empty as they thought. It may not be useless as they thought. Still, with only one tree, how many creatures could live here? They were to soon find out. They heard the roar before they saw what was roaring. It was a lion. They ran for the tree. They got there just ahead of the lion. Big Cahunas managed to grab an old tree limb. He whacked the lion on the head. It didn’t hurt the lion so much as surprise him. He thought it through and left. He’d hide and watch then for a while before attacking them. They looked like they should be an easy game. A watchful eye was called for.

Ahab and Moby Dick--- Moby Dick would sneak up on ships and see who was on the bridge. How a whale sneaks up on a ship is unknown. They can’t exactly play hide and seek.’ A captain would be looking at the ocean one minute and a whale the next. The captains always jumped back instinctively. It was eerie, to say the least. It was as if the whale was looking the captain over. The whale, if it was Moby Dick, was looking for Captain Ahab. If it wasn’t Ahab, then the whale would dive and go away. He’d quickly resurface to be sure Ahab wasn’t trying to trick him. Moby Dick used to hit the ship again but he didn”t want his living area known. Ahab and his crew sailed into the far ocean in search of the whale. Ahab was determined to find Moby Dick. The crew didn’t care if they never found the whale. They would be getting the same money either way. They

Lancelot--- Guenivierre's first day was worse than she thought. She had to wear an old smelly robe. She was bitched at for everything she did. The Mother Superior knew why she was there and disapproved, really disapproved. She made Guenivierre scrub the entire convent on her knees. Then she made her tell the other nuns what she had done. This was every day. It got so boring that she began changing the story. The other nuns started applauding. The Mother Superior stopped the nightly confession. She was afraid the other nuns would have dreams, dreams they shouldn't have. She found herself watching the living quarters to make sure everyone was where they were supposed to be. This was a convent. Guinevere had good dreams herself. Lancelot was in them but Arthur wasn't. After just a little time the Mother Superior started taking long naps.

Cowboy--- "The manager came out, sized up the situation and started laughing. “You boys are here to rob me? Thing is, I don’t have all that much. This is a small town bank. Now is the time I loan farmers for their seed money and ranchers for their cowboys. Then when the harvest comes in and the herd is sold they pay me back with interest. Well, it's that time of year. I have maybe 1000 dollars right now, I’ll give it to you but you won’t get far and then you get hanged.

Not Even Close To Heaven --- Up next was a house with a toilet on the front porch. I didn’t say anything. My wife did. “I wonder if it works sitting there.” I was going to laugh until I realized it didn’t really look that much out of out of place considering where we were. I thought that if you got to go, you got to go. I couldn’t imagine where the crap went but it couldn’t be too far from the smell that hit us. The next one almost caused me to wreck. A lot of trailers in this area. A guy would lever some ground, dig a cesspool and use a spring and be all warm and cozy. That seemed to be the right idea. Not this guy. He put his trailer not up against the mountain. Instead, he put it straight on stilts. He was a couple of hundred feet up and was using braces to hold the trailer in place. I could see the waste pipe coming straight down. It was stopped about halfway down. I also thought it must stink pretty bad. In the summer. It would have to be a bitch. Then again, maybe they got used to it. I wanted to pull over and take a picture of it. My wife advised against it, “You don’t actually know what this place is or how they react to it.

Gold--- Dennis came out and showed a nugget to Carl and Jimmy. At first, they glanced at it and were going to tell Dennis the mine would have more than 1 nugget. Dennis said he found more but they didn’t look like this one. Jimmy and Carl ran into the mine. They found a few loose pieces of gold or pyrite. Now, they got excited. Dennis may have found gold. They knew the owners would find out. They decided to take what they could carry and go far away to sell it.