There is a theory going around amongst Physicists, Astrologist and Assorted Nuts that there is a single theory that explains everything. I don't think there's any such thing for two reasons. One, no man can explain any woman and, two, no one understands the theory itself. It's a bunch of numbers and letters, squared to the third power that equal other numbers, divided by more numbers, and letters, squared to the third power, multiplied by even more numbers, squared to the third power and the numbers themselves are only theoretical. It's like freshman algebra. a+b=8. What is b? You make up a number for a and b equals something. My answer is different than yours and they're both correct. Nice, huh? I used that for all my classes and it didn't work outside algebra. Nice, huh?

The theory goes something like this: everything is made up of atoms and if you trace all atoms back to their common source you come to one atom that started everything. It couldn't be a regular atom, of course It has to contain all the elements; sort of a super-atom. Where it came from is based on the Theory of Origins, which I made up. If it didn't come from anything, that's impossible. Nothing can't exist. If the common atom came from something, the theory doesn't work. That doesn't stop the science crowd. That just confuses the issue, which is their job. They get grants whether or not something is possible. The more impossible the bigger the grant.

Einstein theorized that if an object moves through space fast enough it can go someplace and return before it left. He was serious too. Einstein had a great sense of humor but everyone took him seriously. It paid better then vaudeville so he stuck with it. He also said that the theory, while valid, was also impossible. He also couldn't balance his bank statement. He just balanced it in theory and, being Einstein, got away with it. He knew you can't actually go anyplace and return before you leave since you wouldn't have left yet. Of course his answer was written in physics and no one understood it but Einstein and Ray Bradbury. It's still around to explain time travel and fill up cable stations.

My theory of time travel is: you can't go someplace that no longer exists and can't go to anyplace that doesn't yet exist. I'd be famous if I could write physics or science fiction. Bear in mind that a theory is not a fact until it's either proven or accepted by the science community. When we set off the first atom bomb, it proved the theory of nuclear fission. The military observers wore dark glasses and lay on the ground to protect themselves from the flash and the wind. Most of the science types wore dark glasses to protect themselves from the flash and were in dugouts to protect themselves from the wind. The military guys where too macho for that. A few of the scientist just stood there looking at the site. They were the ones who thought that the nuclear explosion would set the atmosphere on fire so why bother? Isn't that nice?

We all know that all matter is made up of atoms and they are always in motion. The chair you're sitting in is actually moving. That explains a lot of falls. So does drinking but that's not a theory so it doesn't count. Also, all atoms are surrounded by space. (No, I'm not getting into the space and Black Hole thing or the Space Continuum or Warp Speed or Stargates or Space Wrap.) If any of the atoms were to touch, it would be a minor nuclear detonation.(This is also known as the Theory Of Destruction.) It would make life a real bitch. This is where the Theory Of Everything comes in.

All atoms have a single, long past source. Somehow, the particles in this long ago atom touched and set off what is called the Big Bang. Everything came from that Big Bang. That would explain frogs and toads; it would explain crocodiles and alligators. It wouldn't explain Michael Jackson but what would?

My Theory Of Everything can be found in the middle of any cow pasture.