In America, sophistication is defined as: New York and L.A. are and Hog Holler and Nanty Glo aren’t. Tattoos are the newest sign of sophistication. Not just any old tattoo. The sophisticated ones are works of art. They have great detail and some sort of uniqueness. The old ones didn’t. The sophisticated people spend a thousand dollars getting one put on by a body artist. A body artist is someone not in prison. The art may have been learned there but no one asks and no one tells. Thanks, Bill. The unsophisticated people may spend a few bucks at most. Sometimes they just wake up with one and don’t know how it got there. It wasn’t there before the drinking started. Prisoners have black, crude ones that changed after the infection was cured. Of course, sophisticated folks have laser surgery to change the designs as they see fit.

A sophisticated person has art hanging on the walls. The art is oil paint and the subject matter is open to interpretation. The unsophisticated are more direct. They have Elvis on velvet. No question. The sophisticated have art that will appreciate in value hopefully. The others get five bucks at a yard sale. Sophisticated? Count the syllables. The more there are the more sophistication there is. The unsophisticated are satisfied with saying the most with the least. The sophisticated say the least with the most. That way you can’t ever come back on them. It’s built in denial.

The sophisticated go to the opera. The unsophisticated just snicker at opera. They wouldn’t know opera from cat wailing. No, for them it’s rock or country. That is cat wailing but they aren’t sophisticated enough to know...or care. At least their favorites aren’t dancing around in tutu’s and singing in a foreign language. Wait, that’s not true. Their’s are too. OK, there’s a slight convergence here. Rockers use illegal drugs and the opera people use legal ones. They live on antidepressants. Their depression is caused by the unsophisticated people being alive.

Cars are a big telling sign. Does it start on level ground? Does it have all the doors still on? Do they all open? Do they have bumper stickers to cover the rust? Is there tread on all four tires? Was it meant to be a convertible? Will the cops pull you over in it if you’re not white?

They say clothes make the man. One pays more for a suit than the other pays for the whole wardrobe. Hey, it’s just a gravy stain. Why would I put a hanky in my coat pocket for everyone to see. Don’t need a hanky anyway. The sleeve works good, especially on a checkered jacket. One has shoes that shine and pants that don’t. The other has shoes that don’t and pants that do.

Unsophisticated women wear their best jewelry out. Sophisticated women keep the good stuff locked in a vault where they visit it once in a while. The only vault unsophisticated women have is for burial. Sophisticated women have their hair done by guys named Andre or Mr.Peter. Unsophisticated women go to Maggie’s. They all look the same but the price isn’t. Unsophisticated women read magazines about sophisticated women. Sophisticated women don’t read anything except menu’s.

Sophisticated people drink bottled water. The others don’t drink from the toilet or anything like that. That’s just a rumor sophisticated people believe. Sophisticated people drink wine from a corked bottle. The others drink wine directly from the bottle, corked or screw top. Sophisticated people drink imported French wine. Unsophisticated drink wine from Mr. French down the street.

Sophisticated people have purebred dogs that have names like Cherionne. Unsophisticated folks have mutts with names like Hey. The sophisticated people don’t like Hey coming near Cherionne. Cherionne likes it though. A lot. Sophisticated people don’t have cats at all. The unsophisticated do, mostly to kill the rats, which the sophisticated people don’t have and don’t want to have as if the others do. No, neither one wants the rats but one gets them anyway.

One says, “Class tells.” The other says, “Class this.” One talks about their alma mater. The other doesn’t have one or know what that means. It means you were known as Bunky or Buffy and not 479788 or 555-4343callmeanytime. One is known as “Doctor” or “Mrs.” The other is known as,“ Be sure to wash the windows today.” The sophisticated fly here and there in airplanes while the others hope one doesn’t fall out of the sky and hit the van like happened to Aunt Mabel. One collects frequent flyer miles and the other green stamps or food stamps. Neither one touches money. One because he doesn’t have to and the other because he doesn’t have any.

Sophisticated people only chew food. They don’t chew gum or their fingernails. Certainly never tobacco. They also don’t spit which explains why they don’t chew tobacco. They tried swallowing it but they always threw it back up which sophisticated people also don’t do. Sophisticated people don’t do that even with the flu which they call influenza because it sounds like influence.

Speaking of which, sophisticated people have it and the others don’t. The sophisticated people have it because the power people also are sophisticated. Birds of a feather and all that. Power people get their power from the sophisticated people. Money equals power although the unsophisticated have the votes. Sophisticated people don’t go to zoos. Ever notice that? They support them but never go there. They think the unsophisticated should be in the zoo but haven’t worked that out yet. Being sophisticated, they want the others to figure out how to do that and aren’t getting a heck of a lot of cooperation. Not that they’d use a word like heck in the first place.

Sophisticated people refer to plain looking people as having a “pleasant face.” Unsophisticated call these same people “ugly like they came out of a meat chopper.” To the sophisticated there are three types, the rich, the beautiful, and the rich and beautiful. To the unsophisticated there are the haves, the have-nots, and that other one I can’t remember what it’s called right now.

The sophisticated are well aware that society needs those who are not sophisticated. Who would cut the grass and do the menial labor otherwise. The unsophisticated don’t know what the purpose of sophisticated people is except that they seem to want to kowtow to them and then bitch about it. Oh, that’s it. An excuse to bitch. OK, that makes sense.

The sophisticated go to art films. The kind that have no plot, no real acting, and no real interest. The unsophisticated get to see big, splashy films with lots of action, explosions, and it’s in color. The sophisticated know that a mistake was made somewhere along the line but it’s too late to change it now. Shoot. No, that’s not a sophisticated word even if it fits the mood.

The sophisticated fly from New York to LA and look down on middle America. They wonder what’s down there. People of some kind live there for some reason. Glad it isn’t them. Maybe that’s where all the mundane things come from, like food and clothes. No, that’s Europe. Why do people live there? The unsophisticated don’t really give a rat’s ass about New York or LA. As long as the TV shows come on and the movies come out and the music plays they're satisfied; they're even happy. They also know what the real difference is between the sophisticated and the unsophisticated.