Deep in the heart of Texas, where nothing grows except tumbleweeds, who themselves get out as fast as the wind blows, lives a man calling himself Tall Texas Tom. He says he has no last name.

" My daddy was a Texas Twister and my momma was The Plains herself", he tells anyone who'll listen. A lot of people don't believe that story.

Tall Texas Tom was sitting at the bar at one of the local saloons telling a local bar bimbo, Tiny Texas Tina, that, "I'm so rough and tumble I et rattlesnake for breakfast."

Tiny Texas Tina drunkenly said to him, " So what? Lots a folk et rattlesnakes."

" I ets them while they still be rattlin'. "

" Well, hello there, big boy."

Tall Texas Tom carries a .38 in his pocket and a razor in his shoe. No, that was Leroy Brown, the late Leroy Brown. Tall Texas Tom carries a .45. He snorts that, "I ain't a gonna carry no sissy gun. No sir."

Tall Texas Tom wears the biggest cowboy hat ever made. That's going some in Texas. He could put a lake in that hat. He could bathe in that hat if he bathed, which he doesn't.

" God musta wanted us to smell this a way, I reckon."

Perhaps that's why his romances only last just the one night, if the girl is drunk enough, or desperate enough. No, drunk enough.

Naturally, Tall Texas Tom rides a horse. No truck or car for him. It takes forever for him to get from here to there but he really isn't trying to get anywhere. He's been very successful at that part of his life.

" Tom ", his momma would ask him, " what do you want to be when you grow up?"

" Nuttin' "

Another successful vow fulfilled.

Tall Texas Tom makes his money by catching illegal aliens crossing the border. No, there's no reward for that. What Tall Texas Tom does is tell them, " It's pay me or get sent back. And none a that there funny money, neither. I was greenbacks."

Tall Texas Tom once got ten years for passing counterfeit money he got from one of the aliens.

He looks real close now.