The Super Trooper and the Old Bat
State Trooper Cole was one proud State Police officer. His section of the Turnpike was known to the regular users as “Cole’s Run”. Cole was proud of that. He was also proud of always writing the most tickets, yearly, weekly and daily. He was a real bear as a bear.
As he sat on the side of the Pike waiting his next victim, a car went by at 75 mph, ten over the limit. Cole wasn’t one to give a couple miles over the limit much less ten. He pulled out, put on the lights and the siren. He loved the lights and was crazy about the siren. The car he was after pulled over to the side and stopped.
Cole got out and did the cop standard operation. He adjusted his gun belt, then his hat, then his sunglasses, his gunbelt again, shot his sleeves, stuck out his chest and did the gunbelt once more. Now he was prepared.
As he approached the vehicle he saw that it was being driven by an elderly lady. He relaxed a bit. He shouldn’t have. He was about to get some surprises.
“Hello, officer. Did you adjust your gun, your hat, the gun again, puff out your chest and strut up here?”, the lady asked sweetly.
Cole was taken aback slightly. It didn’t go this way. She was supposed to be scared and anxious.
“Ma’am, this isn’t about what I did or didn’t do. This is about you going too fast. May I see your license and registration, please?”, Cole said.
“Sure. I was just saying that if you did all that to make an impression on me, you were wasting your time. I can’t see more than ten feet before things get a little blurry”, she said as she handed her license and registration over.
Cole heard that and had to question it.
“You can’t see ten feet clearly? Ma’am, if that were correct, you couldn’t get a license. That would make you dangerous, ma’am.”
“Well, I got a license. You have it in your hands. Maybe you’re the one with the difficulty”, she responded.
“Look, lady, if I thought that was true, I’d take you into the barracks. I’d certainly not let you drive, ma’am”, Cole told her.
“You don’t let me drive. The State of Pennsylvania does. It’s not up to you. I admit, curves are a real challenging experience to me. I can’t see them until I enter them. Talk about some hairy drivin’. My word!”
“Lady, your this close to being arrested. Knock off the crap, okay? I don’t have any sense of humor”, Cole said.
“Arrested? For what? I wasn’t going 20 miles over the limit, which you need to arrest me. I wasn’t driving recklessly and I’m not drunk. You arrest me, and it turns out I can see perfectly well, I’ll sue you for false arrest”, the old lady said with a smile.
Cole thought that over. If she was legally ineligible for a license, fine. It would be another feather in his cap. If it turns out she’s just bullshitting him, he would get sued for false arrest. He’d also get chewed out by his superiors and, probably, stuck at a desk for the remainder of his career. What this old lady was saying didn’t sound right. Then again, she was old and maybe had a little dementia and some senility. Maybe a lot of dementia. Bummer.
“Well, cutie, what’s it going to be? A ticket or an arrest? I have to tell you that I’ll go to court for the ticket, not just mail in the fine. You’ll have to appear. Sure, the judge will find me guilty and fine me. They always do. Before that, though, I have the right to ask you questions. I might ask if I told you I was pretty much a blind old bat. If you said I did, I’ll ask why you let me drive away”, the sweet old lady told Cole.
“Then again, you could, and should, arrest me, to remove a risky driver from the road. Of course, if I can see well, I’ll own you. You ever see the movie, “Catch 22”? You in it right now”, she went on.
22 years as a State Policeman hadn’t trained him for this. Both of his options sucked. He was going to look asinine and dim-witted either way.
“Okay, lady, you win. This time. Be on your way and stay under the limit. Got that?”, Cole told her.
“Well, cutie pie, I got you. I know that. Have a nice day , dearie.”