My wife took our dog, Jake, in for his checkup. Jake is the laziest dog in the world. During the day he lays on the couch and watches mommy watching tv. The biggest effort he makes is chasing Palmetto bugs when he goes out. If he irritates them, he gets chased. He sleeps in our bed and sleeps all night. Sleeping off what is something I can't figure out.

The first thing about taking him to the vet is that the charge is more than I pay my doctor. It also bothers me less which says something else. It doesn't faze my wife which really says something else.

The vet claims Jake has lost a couple of pounds. That's good since he's a bit of a lardbutt. She also says he needs to lose a few more. He's not supposed to be a lardbutt. He's supposed to be a beagle mix.

She said that he does seem to have allergies. That explains the rubbing the nose and constant licking himself. I thought the one was because he was stupid and the other was just bragging. The vet admitted that Jake didn't seem that bright but he still has allergies. She recommended Benadryl. What? That's for people.

"Oh, I see. It's good enough for you but not your beloved pet?", she said to me.

"Me? I don't take it. I don't have allergies."

"Well, Jakie boy does so give it to him".

Jakie boy?

Then, as we were getting ready to leave, Jake used his only talent. He passed some nerve gas.

"Oh, Jake! That was a bad doggy! Oh my God, the curl's gone out of my hair! What do you people feed him? Jeez, how do you stand this? Why, if he was my dog and did this he'd-"