Exercise guru Richard Simmons is in deep, deep, serious trouble and doesn’t know it. Oh, he knows he faces a misdemeanor assault charge and a possible $400 fine. As a celebrity, he figures to get away with it. Celebrities usually get away with drunk driving, drug possession, murdering ex-wives and so on. Even if he is found guilty, what’s $400?

No, Richard, that’s not why you’re in deep, deep, serious trouble. You slapped a guy. Guys don’t slap. They hit, punch, whack, and a thousand other things. They don’t slap. They get slapped. They get slapped by women. They don’t care about that. It doesn’t hurt and they probably deserve it. What they don’t get is slapped by a guy.

Getting slapped by a guy says two things. One, you’re a sissy boy. Two, you think you can slap a guy. You can’t. The guy has to hit, punch, whack or something to you. Not before the trial. That would be too obvious. It’s after the trial that you will have your physical arrangements changed.

Richard, hire a bodyguard. Find an ex-Green Beret. Make sure he’s ugly, tall, bald, tattooed and scarred. His looks alone will protect you. This is good advice, Richard. Here’s some more good advice. Hire this body guard but don’t ever slap him.

Ever.