When Spirits Talk

The spirit world, which doesn’t actually exist, is a really screwed up world. You have ghosts and goblins; spirits and voodoo; phamtoms and spectors; spooks and demons; fables and Hollywood.

“Man, I’m sick and tired of this ‘Boogie Man’ crap. ‘Go to sleep now or the boogie man’ll get you!’ I’ve never snatched any kid. I’ve never even seen a kid. It really sucks”, the Boogie Man was whining to Freddie Krueger. That was a good choice.

Freddie, in what passed for sympathy from him, said, “Who gives a rat’s ass? Me, I figure I’m an substantial component of Darwin’s Theory of survival of the fittest. I butcher people, sure, but exclusively in their dreams. How asinine is that? Some imbecile dreams about me and I’m capable of killing them. I catch them in their teen years too. Usually I get them before they reproduce, not that they are little angels. The way I see it, I’m cleaning up the gene pool. Anyone senseless enough to die just because they have nightmares of me killing them shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce anyway. That’s my take on the whole thing.”

“Man, you’re a sicko, you know that?”, the Boogie Man told him.

“Well, isn’t that nice? As Shakespeare once wrote, ‘Ah, to sleep, perchance to dream’. You do dream don’t you, Boogie Man?”, Freddie responded.

“No, I don’t. I don’t sleep either so don’t start up your crap with me.”

The Devil, who is real and thinks he rules the dark side, was leery of Freddie himself. Freddie wasn’t real so the Devil couldn’t do anything about him or to him. Still, the Devil would like to take a snooze but was scared to. Freddie was a treacherous one and you couldn’t be sure at which moment he might show up. Satan was tired of Freddie and tired period.

Casper the Friendly Ghost wasn’t the least bit afraid of Freddie. Casper thought Freddie just needed a friend and he’d be that friend. Casper got on everyone’s nerves. No one liked him. Freddie wished the little piece of mist and shadow would sleep and dream. He really, really wished this. Everyone else did too. Satan said he’d give back a couple of souls for just one dream from Casper, the little, sissified goofball.

The Thing That Goes Bump In The Night came stumbling up. It just stood there. It couldn’t talk, it could only make bumping noises. It got on everyone’s nerves. They couldn’t do anything about it though. Freddie Krueger hated it with a passion.

“Woke up some of my intended victims. Then they were too frightened to go back to sleep. I hate The Thing That Goes Bump In The Night’, Freddie griped. This hurt The Thing That Goes Bump In The Night’s feelings but all it could do was bump louder, further annoying everyone.

The Squeaky Door was the real annoyance. It would just be there squeaking away. The Thing That Goes Bump In The Night would then bump louder and the Squeaky Door would squeak louder and faster and so on.

“God, what I’d give for a can of DW40”, Freddie said.

“Hey! Watch that language!”, the Devil would yell out.

The true horror to the spirits was Jason. Even Freddie was terrified of him. No one knew who Jason was when he wasn’t wearing that mask.

The Boogie Man remarked, “It could be one of us. It could even be that Casper dude. No one could be as good and pleasant as Casper. Maybe Casper has a split personality.”

Freddie answered that with, “Casper doesn’t even have one personality let alone two.”

Satan, sitting off to one side with his chief demon, Liarliar Pantsonfire, was shaking his head and saying, “Humans say that life is a bitch and then you die. Well, if they think life’s a bitch, wait until they die.”