One of the things you'll notice if you drive in the South is all the cars and trucks with deer on the hoods. I know, you see that up North too but only in hunting season. Down here it's all year round. These deer aren't tied to the hood, they're stuck on by the hood ornament. The first thing any true Southerner does with a new vehicle, after the mandatory gun rack, is to put a hood ornament on. Hit a deer and that baby isn't going anywhere.

Down here we like to spruce the car or truck up a bit. A squirrel tail always adds some panache. Toss twenty or thirty lights on the bottom of the frame and you have something. Naturally, they should blink on and off. It's like having Christmas all year round.

Mounting fog lights up about six feet from the roof is a good move. Turn them on and never turn them off. It's great fun to hear the squealing tires of someone you just blinded. It's more fun than spitting into the wind or picking your nose with a Bowie knife.

Adding something to the vehicle is a must whether you need it or not.

"What that be on your car?"

"Don't know. I found it alongside the road and stuck it on."

"Sure be pretty."

Every guy down here is a mechanic. Fix that car up so that it can outrun any cop car. The problem comes when you actually try that. See, the cop is a mechanic too and gets to take his car home. He also works on it and wants you to try to run. Why else be a cop? Heck, shooting at someone doesn't do it. You can get that at any bar.

Gary's Road House Bar and Family Restaurant has a sign that says, "No weapons allowed." It's hard to read because of all the bullet holes. His parking lot resembles a junk yard from Venus. We suspect, but can't prove, that NASA sends their junk stuff down here and sells it to the locals. Some of what's on the roads can't have been made in a factory.

The single most important thing is to find and remove the fuse to the turn signal. Wouldn't want to accidentally turn that on.