Dear Ms. Smith,

We here at the Office of Homeland Security have been advised of your cruise. Since you will be cruising outside of U.S. Territorial Waters, an unpatriotic act, we have opened a file on you.

While you are gone our agents will conduct an in-depth search of your home. You might want to get rid of any stained underwear since some of our agents are a little deviant. In fact, you might want to take the rainy day money with you too.

On your voyage, avoid contacts with known and unknown Al-Queda operatives. We can accept your daughter being married to Osama bin Laden but we have to draw a line someplace. As an aside, changing the spelling of his name to Osama ben Laden didn’t fool us. We know who the Jews are.

When you return you want to avoid traveling with anyone with the names David Nelson, David or Nelson. That sends a red flag up. There will be a six month quarantine in the event that happens. You have been warned.

Bear in mind that the Office of Homeland Security Rules, Regulations and Procedures supersedes the Constitution of the United States, except for Section IV, subsection 243516a, paragraph 23m. This allows you to bribe your way back in.

A security check will be run while you are away. Don’t hand us any of that “My husband has a Triple-A Security Clearance.” We don’t give a rat’s ass. That’s DOD stuff. This is us. ( Us as in we not us as in U.S. )

Bon Voyage

Tom Ridge