OK, I’m a shark. A mean, ugly, nasty old shark. I have a fin that fools people into thinking I'm a dolphin until it's too late. I’ve got more teeth than Jimmy Carter and the same morality as an alley cat. I’m sort of the Jack Nicholson of the sea. The other creatures call me the Big Cahuna but my real name is Clyde. I won’t say I’m a gentle old pussycat or anything like that but I have a bit more reputation than I really deserve. It’s all the fault of Hollywood.

You’ve all seen those movies about the GREAT WHITE SHARK! There have been movies about squids and octopus and whales but only sharks get the old badmouth. I mean, what about Moby Dick? There’s Gregory Peck getting the crap knocked out of him and no one ever criticizes whales. Criticize! They pass laws to protect them! You think Sea World is telling the truth about whales? What about Moby Dick? I think it’s because I’m a fish and whales are mammals. You mammals like to stick together, don't you?

You’ve all watched the scene where the girl is drifting in the water to the background music that is soft and gentle. She’s swishing her legs and getting all relaxed, while the audience is getting set-up and suddenly the music gets loud with a good beat you can dance to and....well then abruptly she jerks and gets a puzzled look on her face. Then she jerks again and gets pulled under the water. I mean, really, can you believe that? A shark comes along and bites off first one leg and then the other and she just gets a puzzled look on her face? What's with that? She can't figure it out?

On the other hand I just love whacking some super-buff young stud who’s showing off to some hot babes on the beach. With these dudes, I don't start with a leg. I want them to go knowing; I want them to want to go; I want them to want to go even if I left them there. Of course, the babes start yelling and screaming and won’t come into the water to float around with a dreamy look on their face so I can...

Then there’s all those stories about sharks eating old ladies. That's very exaggerated. Old ladies are tough as nails and taste like old boots, which I've eaten a few, sometimes with meat inside and sometimes not. Oh, maybe some of the young bucks do it for sport but it’s not an everyday occurrence. Besides, we’re doing the government a favor. Look how much they save on Medicare and Social Security. Think of all the time grandchildren don't have to waste on an old lady who doesn't even know who they are. It saves on the cost of an autopsy too. There isn’t going to be one.

Tires? Sure I’ve swallowed a few in my time but only when I’m swimming along not paying attention. For days afterwards I’m cranky and miserable from being all constipated. Ever try passing a steel-belted tire. It isn't easy, let me tell you. Talk about riping a new one. You don’t want to mess with a constipated shark. That's the one time I eat an old lady. I figure that they have so much ex-lax in their system it has to do me some good. It usually does the trick.

Another thing about old ladies is that they sometimes fight back. They're as cranky as a shark and just as nasty. It's definitely a fair fight. Here you are taking a bite out of one... chomp, chomp,chomp,chomp...where did those extra chomps come from? The old lady is biting back! Least ways, she’s gumming at you. No, it’s not worth it.

Another bitch I have is how when a whale gets himself stranded on a beach everyone tries to re-float him to save him. The whale gets on national tv and volunteers swarm to the beach. When a shark gets into the same situation what happens? A crowd gathers all right. Only this crowd starts hollering and throwing rocks and the shark gets whipped up. Now, does that make any sense at all? Oh, right, the mammal thing again.