This was the headline in the special edition of the Melburne Weekly. The story was about the latest attack on local animals. Mrs. Homer Samson was quoted as saying, “I went out to feed our dog, Muffiebuns, and saw a pile of hair. I got so terrified I dropped the food and wet myself. I looked in the doghouse and there was Muffiebuns. I had to drag him out. He was completely shaven, except for his head. That was dyed blue and done up in a spike. I immediately thought it was my son Burt and he admitted it, proving he didn’t do it”

The local police force, Chief Donaldson and Lt. Gray, said they were on top of this and would soon have the abuser in custody. Later, Lt Gray told reporter Ken Holt, off the record, that he and the Chief didn’t have a clue who was doing this and really weren’t too concerned about it.

PETA has called for a task force of FBI, State Police and PETA to take over the case. Their spokesperson said, “See? People can’t be trusted around animals. Wake up, world! The only real answer is to kill all the people and let the animals live in peace!”.

The series of abuses started when someone duct-taped a rat to the back of a cat. The cat was howling, the rat was caterwauling, and the whole town was awakened. The animals were finally trapped by butterfly collector Dave Hemmings. Then the problem was trying to get the duct tape off. Good stuff, duct tape. It really holds well. Good enough to hold a rat to a cat.

Danny Jones owned a pit bull if anyone can be said to own a pit bull. This wasn’t your characteristic mean-tempered, insane dog. Even other pit bulls were afraid of “Killer”. He was chained and the chain was buried in three feet of cement. There was a chainlink fence around his house and over his house. People still crossed the street to pass by.

Danny himself was terrified of “Killer”. He feed him by putting raw meat on a stick and sliding it under the fence. “Killer” sometimes ate the meat and the stick. One day, “Killer” lunged for the meat and sort of nuzzled it. This happened three days running. Danny figured he’d better take him to the vet.

He shot “Killer” with a tranquilizer gun. It was the only way to approach him safely. It was also the only way the vet would take him. The vet told Danny he didn’t want that dog waking up while getting a shot or, worse, having a thermometer up his butt.

“Okay, now let’s look at his mouth. Darn, can’t get it open. He should be slack-jawed and slobbering. Wow! Can’t even pry it open”, the vet told Danny.

The veterinarian assistant saw something odd and took a pick and got some gummy stuff off “Killer”’s teeth. Then they got more and more of it until they had a wad the size of a softball.

“Did he eat some silly putty?”, the vet asked Danny.

“Wait!, the assistant said. “This is a wad of gummy bears. Someone gave him a lot of them”.

The police didn’t care. They once told the town council that if they outlawed “Killer” his police force wasn’t going to do anything about it. They weren’t going near that dog.

“That dog’s meaner than my wife”, the Chief told them.

Then came the piranha incident. The town’s pool manager called the police when he discovered the pool was full of fish. The cops called the ASPCA. The representative from there said they were piranhas. Hungry piranhas. They needed fed but the ASPCA didn’t have any money to do that.

The police said the town didn’t either.

The ASPCA woman said that the town was going to look stupid if word of this ever got out and it would if the piranhas weren’t fed. The Mayor paid for a couple of steers from the slaughter house out of his own pocket.

The latest incident didn’t happen in town, it happened just outside town, much to the Chief’s relief. Farmer Moe heard his prize stud bull snorting and making a disturbance. When he went to check on him the bull had half pulled the barn down. Moe saw the problem right away. Someone had rigged the cows in Victoria’s Secret undergarments. The poor bull went nuts. Farmer Moe had to have him put down.

Mrs. Farmer Moe told Farmer Moe not to even think it. Moe felt that going psychotic and being out down would be worth it. Not going to happen though. Man, that bull. He may have died and may have died crazy but what a way to go.