The Russian missile crew was cruising along the highway to their new site. They had four nuclear-tipped missile on the truck. These missiles still had CCCP on them. They were very old. Old, but still nuclear. So nuclear they glowed in the dark. The driver didn't need to use his headlights. The driver noticed he was low on gas so he pulled into Ivan's Minimart to fill it up.

"Josef, fill the missiles up too. They won't work until you do", the Lieutenant told the sergeant.

"Sir? Fill the missiles? Are we going to war?"

"No, just want to be ready. What if we run into a gang of hijackers? If we can shoot these babies off we'd get through for sure. Let's splurge and get high test".

"For the missiles, sir?"

"No! They'll fly on whatever we put in. Fuel efficiency doesn't matter that much to a missile. If they don't fly then we can kiss our own butts goodbye".

That got the attention of the entire missile crew. They were nervous before. Now they went way past nervous. Bladders began to leak. The Lieutenant thought better bladders than warheads.

It took the sergeant a long time to fill the truck and the missiles. The Lieutenant took a nap, took a walk, filed his nails and went to the bathroom. He had the rest of the crew doing exercises. Finally, all the tanks were filled. The sergeant went in to pay.

"Uh, Lieutenant, we have a small problem. He won't accept this chit for the gas. He says he wants cash. He wants American, not this funny Russian stuff."

"Well, then you go back in there and shoot him".

"Uh, can't do that anymore. This is Russia not the Soviet Union".

"Oh, that's right. Okay, let's just go. He can-"

"He says if we drive off we get our license pulled by the state. Then we'd be stuck in the middle of nowhere with nuclear weapons. I mean, sir, we can't hide them. The cops might not take too kindly to us being armed with WMD's".

"We're the Army! We're allowed to have them!"

"Uh, I'm not as sure as you are. This is Russia not-"

"the Soviet Union. I know. Maybe if we let him keep one until we get money we can get to our site".

"I'll go ask", the sergeant said.

He came back out. "He said no. He didn't trust us. He said it would just like us to set the thing off by remote control after we left. Boom! No evidence. He said to tell you he's not that stupid".

The Lieutenant went in and came back out. He told the sergeant it was okay. Drop one of the missiles out back and they could go.

"How did you talk him into it? He told me he didn't trust us".

"I told him this wasn't the Soviet Union", the Lieutenant said as he idly played with the remote control.