Yes, it's time for our reality check.

1. In reality, the perfect man or woman will NOT date you. What you tell your friends is fine and dandy. What you tell yourself is what matters. Tell yourself, this is NOT the perfect person. Neither am I.

2. Ugly people have ugly children. No getting around reality. Two ugly genes make one ugly kid. Ugly kids should be "fixed".

3. Rich people ARE different from you and me. For openers, they have more money. They go to Cancun on private jets. If you aren't rich now you aren't going to be unless you hit the lottery. Even then, rich people won't talk to you. You won't talk to your former poor friends. It will get lonely. I can live with that. Really.

4, The stock YOU buy will not zoom into the stratosphere. It will tank on you. If it didn't you would be rich instead of poor. I mean, get real.

5. When you hear that this is the land of opportunity, they aren't talking about you. If they do, it's the opportunity to fail. Success is luck and you don't have any.

6. Liberals DO have both feet planted firmly in quicksand; conservatives have both feet planted in concrete. Always been, always will be.

7. Hollywood is not real. What they film, what they say, what they do is ALL pretend. Hollywood itself isn't real. There is no such place.

8. In politics, one thing matters and it isn't going to do you any good. What matters is getting elected and staying in office....Lies are "unoperative truths".

9. Money is real only if you don't have any.

10. The only thing men and women have in common is that they are both human beings....Women question even that.

11. If your teenager refuses to obey it's time to get out the baby pictures and threaten to load them onto the internet. Immediate obedience....unless they have pictures on you.

12. People who are on their third marriage are stupid. That's a given. Being wrong once is fine. After that, you're stupid. You don't get better at it as you go along.

13. The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that the pessimist will be right more often. A lot more often.

14. No one should wake up with a smile on their face. Everyone should wake up cursing Adam and Eve. No matter how happy you are; no matter how pleased you are with your life remember....you still have to sit on the toilet.