How Much Do You Weigh?

“Excuse me, sir, how much do you weigh?”, the purser of the Queen Mary 2 asked Tom Jenkins.

“How much do I weigh? That’s none of your business”, Jenkins angrily replied.

“Actually, sir, it is. I also need to know how much Mrs. Jenkins weighs”, the purser responded.

“I’m not Mrs. Jenkins, for one thing. I’ll tell you my measurements but not my weight- or my age”, the woman with Tom Jenkins said.

“Honey, you talk too much. I don’t like it when you talk too much”, Tom told her.

“You don’t like it when I talk at all”, she said.

“No, I don’t. I didn’t bring you on this cruise to talk to you”, Tom told her.

“Excuse me, could we get back to how much you weigh?”, the purser broke in.

“Why?”, Jenkins asked. “Is the ship going to sink because of a few pounds?”

“Sink? Perish the thought, sir. This is the Queen Mary 2. There is no chance of this ship sinking, I can assure you of that”, the purser said.

“Yea, that’s what they said about the Titanic too”, Jenkins told him.

“Sir, the Titanic wasn’t the Queen Mary. Sir, we check our passengers weight because of the damage being done to the stool and chairs. We know it’s not the British or the French and certainly not the Swedish passengers. We believe, with good cause, I think, that it’s overweight Americans”, the purser said.

The woman with Tom Jenkins yelled, “You think I’m fat? You hear that Tom? He thinks I’m fat!”

“Honey, you talk too much. I don’t like it when you talk too much. I’ve said it once and I don’t want to repeat myself”, Tom told her.

“Sir, we are adding a surcharge for overweight passengers to pay for the repair of the stool and chairs. That’s why I need to know your weight”, the purser told Tom.

“Surcharge for being overweight. That’s good, real nice. Overweight means I’m bigger than you. It means I could, if I wanted to, I could throw you over the side. Not here. You might land on the dock or something. I mean out there, surrounded by ocean. Being a little runt, you won’t float very long. I mean, if I did that”, Jenkins told the purser.

“Oh, Tom! That’s so, uh, so- I wish we were in our room!!”, the woman said. Tom didn’t tell her she talked too much this time.

“You still want to know my weight?”, Tom asked the purser.

“Umm, uh, well, why would I want to know your weight?”