Pope John Paul Peter And Matthew was sitting on the Throne of Christ muttering to himself. He did that a lot. The guy was 92 years old and had what today is called Alzheimer’s. Then it was called An Old Man Muttering To Himself. He had just got some more bad news.

The Bishop of Chatrrey, France had announced that he was actually the Pope and that John Paul Peter And Matthew was just a doddering old fool who muttered to himself. John Paul Peter And Matthew thought he had every right to mutter to himself. Things weren’t going well for the Church.

The English had kicked his boys out. That was bad enough but it also meant the money went to the King instead of Rome. It cut the income by ten percent. The Vatican Treasurer told John Paul Peter And Matthew that he’d have to wear his gold and silver inlaid robe for another year, maybe two years.

The Barbarians were at the gate again. There was no satisfying them. Give them a nickel and they wanted a dime. Dimes were getting scarce but they didn’t care.

“Hey, it’s not our problem. We’re heathens, remember? Give us a dime or we sack Rome...again”

John Paul Peter And Matthew thought about excommunicating the Barbarians but that didn’t work with the English so he didn’t bother. He broke open the crystal piggy bank and gave the Barbarians a dime.

John Paul Peter And Matthew thought about giving the job up. It wasn’t worth the hassle anymore. The Curia then told him he couldn’t do that. He had to stay Pope until he died.

“What?! I’m the Pope. I make up the rules, not you.”

“Yes, Your Holiness, but if you quit it would start a dangerous trend. God will send you to Hell.”

“Oh.”

John Paul Peter And Matthew longed for the old days when there was just the one church. That Martin Luther sure screwed things up. Why didn’t we buy him off like we do the Barbarians. Luther would have taken the nickel. He was so poor he’d have taken that nickel and disappeared. But no, they all said. Give in to him and every priest will want money to live on. There would go the vow of poverty.

“Well, we don’t live in poverty”, the Pope told the Curia.

“We’re not priests anymore. We’re the top dogs. We have to maintain an image. You want people to think the Church is broke?”

“We are broke”, John Paul Peter And Matthew replied.

“Yes, but no one knows it and we’re not telling them.”

John Paul Peter And Matthew had lots of reasons for muttering to himself.