Okay, I admit it. I'm afraid of flying. I flew once and that satisfied me. Then, I got older and unable to drive long distances. My wife is disabled and unable to ride for long periods of time. So, okay, I flew to my family reunion. I figured I was older and no longer prone to motion sickness so I should have no problem with flying. I didn't. It was all the other stuff.

I could choose between 200-500 for the same flight to the reunion. Huh? Yea, if I got the flight online, through an online specialty site, you know, like Captain Kirk shills for, I could pay 200. If I got the same flight through the airline itself, I could pay 500. Figure that out. Then write and tell me since I haven't a clue how that can work.

Next, all the things I could take with me and all the things I couldn't. Okay, in this day and age, okay.

We got to the security gate and my wife opened her bag and sent it through. She went through the metal detector and set it off with her rings. They did a quick once over with the hand-held scanner and she was finished.

I opened my bag, sent it through and set the metal detector off with my ring. So? A quick once over-nope. Let's just say I've had less intrusive surgery. A lot less. They did me twice. That was the easy part. I then had to explain my luggage.

"Umm, is something wrong?", I asked.

"Yes", I was told.

"Are you going to tell me or do I have to guess?", I then asked.

"You a wise guy? Want I should have you taken aside, smarty?", I was told.

"No, I haven't flown since I was a kid. I don't know how this is done", I replied.

"Well, for openers, this shirt doesn't go with these pants, Mr. Clothes-conscious. You went shopping by yourself didn’t you?", I was asked.

"So, what’s that to you?", I asked.

"Hey, I ask the questions. You just answer them, twit."

"See", my wife said, "I told you the clothes didn’t match".

"Hey, you’re supposed to be on my side".

"I’m a loyal American first, honey".

"Sir, are from the Middle East?", the guy asked me.

"No? Why would you ask that?"

"Well, English is obviously not your native tongue so-"

"Man, I was born here!"

"Want to not shout at me? Had some old lady do that a coupla days ago. She had something in her ear and I took it from her. She said it was a hearing aid but, for all I knew, it coulda been a detonator. When she told me she couldn't answer me 'cause she couldn't hear. Well, I tells her, I says, 'Lady, you have the right to remain silent but you ain't got the right to fly,. So, take a hike' Man, I love this job".

Okay, I finally get on the plane. As we were flying, my wife asked me if I wanted to look out the window. Well, no, real, big no. Naturally, I had to. She was saying how the cars looked like tiny ants.

"You’re right, they do. Wait a minute! These are ants! Hey, stewardess, we have ants on this plane!"

The stewardess came over to look.

"Hmm, you’re right, we do have ants. Well, that’s better than snakes, I guess."