Omigosh, It's Cold Here!

Omigosh, Wisconsin, gets frigid in the winter. It gets to 40 and 50 below. There is no rational reason to live there unless you’re hiding out from the law. Yet, people do. Tom Canners, a reporter, decided to find out why people lived in a place like that. He didn’t go as a reporter. He went as a tourist. He thought he’d get a truer response that way.

The folks in Omigosh may be stupid to live there but they’re smart enough to know that no one would come there as a tourist in the winter. Summer either. The only hotel was the three rooms upstairs at Lars Andersen’s. One of the room was permanently rented to Mrs. Johanson.

She’d lived there ever since her husband died. He was coming home on a 40 below night and needed to go. As he went the stream froze all the way back to the source. He was stuck in the spot and died of exposure. Some of the folks in Omigosh still teased Mrs. Johanson about the cause of death. It’s left her a wee bit unbalanced.

Canners went downstairs to use the one and only toilet. He was surprised to see it strapped shut and a do not use sign on it. This was both odd and inconvenient. He asked Lars what he should do.

“Well, son, you could hold it until you leave and get to a gas station. You also could go on out back and use the privy. That’s what most folks do around here this time of year”, Lars told him.

“Why is that?”, Canners asked.

“Well it’s like this. The waste plant freezes up. That skimmer freezes first. That’s a dead give away. Then the sewers freeze back to the houses, including this here hotel. Now, you take that privy. It never freezes. But, son, don’t dawdle.”

Five minutes later Lars heard the cries for help. He called 911 and went on out to the privy. Canners was frozen solid to the seat.

“Well, son, I told you not to dawdle. Well, I called 911. They’ll be here shortly”.

They were. They stared at Canners for a while. They didn’t want to laugh and knew they would if they tried to talk. They also didn’t have a clue as to what to do. Finally, they decided to pry the seat loose and take Canners and the seat to the hospital. Canners would thaw out and they’d get the seat loose. Good plan.

Later that morning Lars noticed Mrs. Johanson headed for the privy. He opened the door to shout out a warning just as Mrs. Johanson closed the privy door. Lars called 911 to come on out.

Then Mrs. Johanson screamed as she fell in.