Charleston, SC, the Holy City, built a new bridge connecting the East Cooper area with Charleston. It came in under budget and 15 months early. Both of those things were called “impossible” by the state Department of Transportation. The company building the bridge said they could do it by building the bridge in completed units instead of one step at a time. This was called “impossible” by the state Department of Transportation. They said they would schedule the work so that men wouldn’t have to be standing around waiting while one guy did something. This was called “impossible” by the state Department of Transportation.

“Listen, ya’ll, it takes four guys to do anything. Three are always going to be just standing there. It’s just the way it is”, one official from the Department of Transportation announced.

The bridge opened 15 months early and millions of dollars under budget.

There was a week of celebrations before the opening. There was a “private” party at the top for the various government officials involved in the project. The public, which has to pay for the bridge, wasn’t invited to any of these. Then came the official opening. Vehicles were going to allowed on as they were lined up. Mayor Riley called this the “democratic way”, now that all the big shots had done their thing.

The cars were lined up on a first come, first on line along East Bay Street. The full police force was out to insure no one cut in line or cheated. They also were there to hold the gunfire down to a minimum. They also were to keep certain types of vehicle from getting into the line to start with.

“Okay, men, lissen up heah”, the Captain announced. “We want the public to be involved in the Grand Opening but not all of the public, get mah drift heah? No cars what needs mufflers. No rusted-out old hulks. No cars what needs pushed across. No red pick-ups. Ah mean thet.”

“Sir”, one of the patrolman asked, “what iffen we comes across one a them types? What do we do? Warn the driver off? Arrest him? Have it yanked away. ”

“Son, Ah don’t rightly like you usin’ the word ‘yanked’. Ah ain’t thet liberal. Each a ya has a gun, don’ ya. Why do ya think we give ya one?”, the Captain responded.

“So, we kin shot anyone tryin’ to cut in or has some piece of junk tryin’ to get on?”, the patrolman asked.

“Try your best not to hit no woman or no kid. People gits riled when we does that”, the Captain said.

“Sir-”

“Hey! I ain’t doin’ no press conference heah. Ah done tole ya’ll whet ta do. Now, git!!”.

There were only a few incidents that day. One guy stalled out half-way across and the crane had to throw him over the side. Threw the car over too. One guy stopped, got out of his car and took a whiz. No one noticed at first since that was common practice.

One woman stopped her car, got out and did an impromptu grind’n’bump striptease. When she started the cops didn’t do anything about it. After she got most of her clothes off and the cops could imagine the rest they arrested her.

“Man, she was gonna be one ugly-shaped broad. Ah wasn’t up for thet”, the arresting officer said.

One teenage girl got out and threw up. She was a “purger” and wanted to christen the new bridge. She would have gotten arrested but no one was that anxious to get that close to her, the puke or the smell. The girl got back into her car, smiled, waved and drove on.

A whole bunch of the pedestrians, on their own walkway, spit over the side, trying to hit the boats cruising around.

A good time was had by everyone.