A wise man once said... "If you keep doing what you've always done --- you'll keep
getting what you've got."
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
Use dead people as references. They usually won't bad-mouth you.
If you act crazy long enough and you talk crazy long enough, people will begin to
think you are crazy- and that includes you.
For a man to deal successfully with a woman, he need only to do what she wants
even if it's the opposite of what she wanted yesterday and could very well change
It's one thing when your family does something ugly to you. Nieces and nephews are ugly to start with. It's their nature. Snakes bite and dogs piss on your legs. That's nature. Your siblings- you expect it from them. You do it. Your wife/husband , your children and grandchildren are different. The woman/man you spend your life with, the children you gave life to and the grandchildren you allow to run all over you are expected not to do anything ugly.
I was cleaning some tools off with gasoline the other day. Afterwards I washed my hands a couple of times. I could still smell gas. I asked Phyl and she said she couldn't smell any gas. The wee ones were over and I asked them. Nope, no gas. Quinn said he'd know gas if he smelled it and he didn't smell it so leave him be. Kyrsie thought it was a trick and was hesitant. Casey just laughed at me. Okay, I must just be imagining it.
I went outside and lit my lighter. Suddenly, I'm holding a torch in each hand. My own family.
There was an article in the local paper about a guy getting hit by a car. Nothing unusual about that. Happens everyday. What was unusual was that the guy was hit by two cars that night.
“I think they were takin’ turns is what I think”, the victim was quoted as saying.
When you're trick or treating, it's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're
someone else, because you ARE someone else.
Never stop and talk to a wino-er, uh- a street person. They will bum smokes off you and not share the Mad Dog.
With tears flowing down her cheeks, Jennifer Anniston denied being a “crybaby”.
My wife and I were attending a show at the local Elk’s. Our daughter and her husband were there as well. Their daughter was doing a solo and we were making a big to do about it. Each of us had gotten her a bouquet of flowers. Harve, her dad, needed to punch a small hole in the card to attach it to one of the bouquets. My wife turned to me and said, “Do you have your knife on you?”
I replied, “No, I usually don’t come to the Elk’s armed”.
However, I do go to the Order of the Odd Fellows armed to the teeth.
Ugly is what ugly does, which is stay home on saturday night.