Sir Lancelot was spitting mad. He spit on the ground, he spit on his groom, he spit on his horse and he spit on the gates of Camelot. Or so he thought. He had put the visor of his helmet down and when he took the helmet off at his own castle...what a mess.

He was mad at King Arthur for sending him out in search of the Holy Grail. This was the result of Lancelot’s pursuit of Gueniverre. Lancelot had been very successful with that pursuit. The Holy Grail was going to be a different matter.

“Sire, uh, there is no Holy Grail. I could look the rest of my life and it wouldn’t matter. The Holy Grail is just a legend”, he told the King.

“We’re just a legend, Lance. So, it doesn’t matter if you actually find it. It’s the pursuit that matters. That, and getting you away from Camelot and Guenivierre.”

None of the other Knights of the Round Table wanted to go with him, referring it to a “fool’s errand”. They all felt that Lancelot was the perfect one to send.

“What kind of a fool fools around with the King’s wife?”, Sir Gawain asked.

Lancelot and his entourage boarded a ship in the Thames. The ship didn’t look too seaworthy and neither did the crew. The crew did well. They all swam ashore when the boat sank. It wasn’t much of a swim since the boat sank at anchorage. Two of Lancelot’s knights drowned . They were showing off to the ladies by wearing their armor. They went down like rocks. The ladies weren’t really ladies. They were hookers and weren’t impressed by the armor. They did feel bad when the knights drowned.

“Bad for our reputations, you see”, one said.

Lancelot was given a second ship that made it to Arabia before it sank. He lost a couple more knights there for showing off to the ladies by wearing their armor.

“Shi’ du abba des”, one said. It wasn’t a lady. It was a guy wearing a robe.

Lancelot got his entourage saddled up and they rode off in a cloud of dust. The dust obscured the area causing several of the knights to get lost. They were never seen or heard from again. They were known after that as the Lost Knights. Lancelot always laughed at that one.

Lancelot searched high and low for the Holy Grail. He bought dozens of them. One was stamped “made in Taiwan”. Lancelot thought it was Arabic for Jesus Christ, which is what Arthur said when he received it. Guenivierre’s remarks have been lost in history.

He had a grail made by an Arab artisan. Lancelot told him to make it look old, rub dirt on it and send it to Camelot. Lancelot told the Arab this in Olde English. The Arab didn’t speak the language that well and sent the Holy Pail to Arthur. Arthur told Lancelot to, “soldier on”. Then came word that Arthur had been killed in battle. Lancelot was free to go home. Free at last to pursue Guenivierre freely and aboveboard. He got a ship, checked it personally for leaks, locked all the armor up and set sail.

He arrived to find Camelot overrun with Franks and Normans but no Guenivierre’s. He was told she’d been taken in at the Little Sister’s of the Poor. Lancelot went there to get Guenivierre.

“Gwen? You’re an old hag. What happened?”, he asked her.

“Thirty-two years is what happened, old man. Jeez, Lance, you look like you’re on your deathbed. Incidentally, I’m a virgin now so you won’t be getting into my bed.”

Lancelot left feeling better than he had in years. As he rode across the bridge into Camelot he fell off his horse and drowned in the moat.