The local rednecks are up in arms at the report that kudzu, an uncontrollable vine, may help drinkers turn down a second beer. If they have a second one they won’t want a third one. The rednecks are really, really upset.

“Et ain’t rahrt, et jus’ ain’t raht.”

The kudzu was introduced into South Carolina to control something or another. The problem was, the kudzu itself isn’t controllable. It grows everywhere. It’s root system is miles long. It grows up everything, especially trees. Half of the lawn care is cutting the kudzu down from the trees and fences; the plants and children who stand too long in one spot. Even then it’s only a temporary solution. It’s like Arnold Swartzeneggar. “I’ll be back.”

Now it may have the ability to help alcoholics turn down a second or third drink. The rednecks don’t want that. They don’t want to have a kudzu vine growing, unknown to them, up their leg and then find themselves saying no to a refill. They have two reasons for that.

First off, they want that refill. Drinking is one of their hobbies. Collecting roadkill, comparing their paychecks with black people and drinking. That’s it. Keeping them from drinking themselves into a stupor has no appeal to them.

Secondly, the more refills they have, the sexier the woman looks. Sober, she looks like the loser in a pitbull fight. Drunk, she almost resembles Julia Roberts a little, sort of. She acts like Paris Hilton video a lot, a whole lot.

Yes, the rednecks are afraid, very, very afraid.