Lonnie always told people that living in Kansas had many advantages. For starters, no worrying that the lightning was going to hit the tree and have it fall on the house. No trees in Kansas. Lots of lightning bit no trees. The lightning might hit you but you won’t cause the roof to cave in.

“I got struck again”, says Clyde.

“Guess that’s why you’re shaking so much”, says Lonnie.

“Huh? You’re the one shaking, not me”.

There’s the weather. it’s very predictable. It’s always bad. Too much winter, too much summer, not enough rain. Never changes. The weather report is a rerun.

Don’t have to worry about keeping up with the Jones’ in Kansas, Toto. The Jones are just as poor as you unless they moved to California.

“Havin’ a poor year”, Clyde says.

“Well, so am I”, Lonnie replies.. That’s about it for conversation.

One of the puzzling questions in Kansas is: why did Oklahoma get all the oil and Kansas get spit? The only oil in Kansas is laying on the road waiting for you to hit it, slide, do a couple of turns and see if you end up going the same way. It’s also the major form of entertainment.

“Oh, man, I thought he’d miss that pole”, says Clyde.

“Well, he almost did. Reckon we have to get a new pole”, replies Lonnie.

Lots of corn in Kansas. Corn cakes for breakfast and lunch and dinner. The good side is, corn liquor for drowning your sorrows. Good thing since you can’t find enough water in Kansas to drown a fly.

“Jeez, my land’s so dry you can fall in the cracks”, says Clyde.

“I did. That’s how I found my tractor”, Lonnie told him.

Incidentally, Toto knew this wasn’t Kansas. He was glad of that. When he and Dorothy got back to Kansas, Toto bit Dorothy and ran off. Toto wouldn’t piss on Kansas. They don’t tell you that part of the story.

Driving across Kansas is a snap. You get to the state line, put the cruise control on, lock the wheel, lean back and go to sleep. It’s perfectly safe. There are no curves in Kansas. Even the women don’t have curves in Kansas. Great birth control method.

“Say, Lonnie, I finally got a t.v. Did you know there are women in other places that don’t look like us men?”, says Clyde.

“Yea? So?”, says Lonnie.

“Well, I was getting strange thoughts. I liked them too” ,says Clyde.

“Well, maybe I ought to get one of them”, Lonnie told him.

“You got a wife, Lonnie”, Clyde responded.

“Oh, yea, her.”