The charges against Michael Jackson aren’t the least bit funny. He is. He’s hilarious. His whole life is one weird act. His arrest was a well played sham.

The private jet comes to a halt and Jacko steps out and waves the peace symbol to the crowd. He is approached by a group of La-La Land detectives. They ask if he is Michael Jackson. That’s when I knew it was going to be a comedy. Who else would it be? Who else looks like a walking corpse? Who else could play a part in “The Living Dead” without makeup? Why would anyone send a picture of him to Diana Ross and write, “This is your funeral picture”, on it.

After getting him identified they read him his rights, including which profile for the mug shot. California has added to the Miranda Ruling with several of their own. They then motioned for him to go to the squad car.

Jacko got there and asked if he was going to be frisked. One detective started looking at his watch and kept looking at it. Another detective looked the crowd over hoping to see something, anything, that he would have to go investigate. The lead detective, feeling responsible, and stupid for forgetting this part, told him no. Jacko was disappointed. The other detectives were relieved. They didn’t want to have to touch him.

They did have to handcuff him. They asked him to do it himself but Jacko was way ahead of them on this one.

“No, I’d really much rather one of you big boys did that. Please, be very gentle with me”.

On the way in Jacko was talking friendly and nice to the cops as if that would make a difference. They talked nice to him as if they thought they should. It was as bizarre as everything Jacko does.

They got him to the station and booked him. They took his mug shots and then fingerprinted him. They thought they did but he doesn’t have fingerprints. They didn’t know what to do since that one wasn’t covered in the Booking For Dummies book.

Jacko did make one request.

“I have to go make wee-wee”.

One of the detectives took him to the bathroom. He told Jackson that the door would be locked. It was standard procedure. “Just knock when you want out”.

Jacko was in their a long time. A very long time. Finally, he did come out, pay the bail and leave. As he left the station he waved the peace sign with his left and then his right hand. Then the bitching started.

“They manhandled me. They dislocated one, no, both of my shoulders. They mistreated me at my arrest. They locked me in a urine-soaked, feces smeared bathroom for 45 minutes. It was horrible”, he told a nationwide audience.

The film of his arrest showed no mistreatment. His spokesman said it may not have happened then but he was mishandled. The bathroom part was correct and uncalled for.

The police spokesman replied, “Well, he asked to go to the toilet. Sure, there were pools of urine on the floor. Heck, drunks use it. Their aim isn’t that steady. Yea, there usually is crap smeared on the walls. We don’t allow someone to take a marker or pen in there so they write graffiti with what’s available. Heck, most men’s room are like this”.

The spokesman for Jacko said the waving to the crowd when Jackson left was a show of bravado.

“Medical specialists know that a dislocated shoulder can prevent movement in one direction but allow it in another. The fact that Michael didn’t seem to show any pain is easily understood. He can’t. He can’t express anything facially. I mean, come on, after all that surgery, he can barely keep his eyes open.”