Norm Switzer had a real thing about taxes. He didn’t want to pay any more than they could force out of him and he didn’t want to pay any of them any sooner than he had to. Almost every April 15th he wrote out a big check to the IRS. He usually only had paid them half of what he owed. He not only didn’t care, he loved it. He figured he got enough discounts and two-for-one sales to make up for the for it. Some years he had to set up a payment plan.

Last year was one of them. He owed $900 more than he had. He agreed to pay them $100 a month. He thought that would do it by the following April if he sent a little more in then. Imagine his surprise when his April bill came in and he owed the IRS $934. He owed more now than when he started! Well, they made a mistake and he’d get it cleared up quickly. That was his mistake.

He dialed their 800 number. It was a Saturday and he didn’t expect to catch anyone in but it was worth a try.

“Thank you for calling the IRS toll-free line. Our business hours are 7 am until 10 pm, Monday through Friday. Please call back during our regular business hours, 7 am until 10 pm, Monday through Friday. If you would like to have this message repeated, press one now”, the voice on the machine said.

Why would anyone need to have that repeated, Norm wondered. He called back on Monday at 4 pm.

“Thank you for calling the IRS toll-free line. Our business hours are 7 am until 10 pm, Monday through Friday. Please listen carefully to the following options. If you are calling about a refund press one now! If you are calling about setting up a payment plan, press two now! If you have received a refund for the wrong amount, press three now! If you are calling about a payment, press four now! If you would like to hear this list again press five now!”

Norm pressed four.

“Thank you for calling the IRS toll-free line. Our business hours are 7 am until 10 pm, Monday through Friday. Please call back during our regular business hours, 7 am until 10 pm, Monday through Friday. If you would like to have this message repeated, press one now”, the voice on the machine said.

What? The IRS was running him in a circle. He called back and hit one this time.

“Please enter the last four digits of your Social Security number, now! Please enter your birth date in the form of two digits for the day, then two digits for the month and then four digits for the year”

Norm did.

“Thank you for calling the IRS toll-free line. Our business hours are 7 am until 10 pm, Monday through Friday. Please call back during our regular business hours, 7 am until 10 pm, Monday through Friday. If you would like to have this message repeated, press one now”, the voice on the machine said.

Norm hung up. Then he called back and hit three.

“Yea, whatta ya want?”, a voice asked.

“Uh, I want to talk to a human”, Norm said.

“I am a human. Whatta ya want?”

“Well, I have paid $900 to you for taxes I owed and now you say I owe you more than when I started”.

“What’s that got to do with me? I do refunds. You don’t get one if you owe money. That’s how it works. I’ll put you through to Taxpayer Assistance”.

“Yes, how can I help you?”, a nice voice said to him.

Norm went over the whole thing with her.

“Okay, let me look this up and I’ll see what I can do. Please hold”.

Twenty minutes later she came back on the line.

“You made one payment. That’s why you owe $934.”

“No, that’s wrong. I have made 9 full payments and I sent in $500 more in April. I think I’ve overpaid this account”, Norm told her.

“No sir, I show one payment.”

“I’m looking at a copy of my account from your website. It shows all the payments.”

“Sir, it shows one payment for 2003, five payments for 2004 and three payments for 2005.”

“Oh, yea it does. Guess you people goofed up.”

“We? You scheduled the payments and for what year, sir”

“Why would I pay for 2004 when I owe for 2003. Why would I pay anything on 2005 when it’s not due for a year?’

“How would I know? You made the payments. Why did you owe for 2003 in the first place?”

Norm didn’t want to get into that.

“Uh, can’t we take care of this problem first and then-”

“No, we can do this the way I want or you can hang up. This is the IRS you’re talking to. Let’s hear it.”

Norm laid a line of crap on her that almost sounded good.

“Mister, that’s a crock. You are going to need to make some adjustments to prevent this from happening in the future, That’s what you need to do. I can credit these amounts to 2003 but it won’t be today. It won’t be this week.”

“You will credit me with the overpayment, of course”, Norm told her.

“Credit towards what? Oh, I see. You owe for 2004 too. Yes, a credit will be applied but this nonsense has to stop. What if everyone did this? It would be anarchy, that’s what. I’m going to put a flag on your name.”

“Lady, if everyone did this, we’d bankrupt the government and they’d have to cut back on the budget. Then we wouldn’t have to pay so much. That’s what would happen”

“Oh? Tell you what I’m going to do. I am going to take care of this today. I’m also going to put two flags on you. Happy?”

“You can’t do that!”, Norm yelled.

“Yes, I can. I’ll put you through to Legal. They can explain it to you. No, it’s an internal number so don’t ask.”

The person answering in Legal yelled, "This is a secret number!!!".

Then he hung up.