|Clean funny stories|
They're Just Kids
In order to protect the wildlife and the fauna we have strict laws about what you can and can’t do when you live on a body of water. That’s perfectly sensible. It would be great if the law was enforced by normal, thinking people. That’s not the case.
Some of the local kids built an illegal dock on the Stono River. It was directly beside the dock that the owners had. The owner’s dock was legal. The kids' dock, built without permission and without a permit, was not. Naturally, the Department of Environmental Resources went after the kids. They proved that there was no mental in environmental.
The kids built the dock as lark. It ended about thirty feet from the water. It was obvious that no boat could tie up to this dock unless the river moved in. The tide wasn’t enough to do it. Perhaps a hurricane would. You never know. The DER wasn’t taking any chances. They ordered the dock torn down and the kids into court.
“Court? We’re talking about twelve year olds here!”, one parent yelled at a DER agent.
“Well, he’ll probably end up in the juvenile court. Sure, it seems to be a little overboard but today it’s no respect for the river and tomorrow it’s no respect for anything”, the agent replied.
“Respect? I’m having trouble with that word and you!”
They hired an attorney. At first the attorney thought they were joking and was going to charge them through the nose for this joke. Then he read the DER notice and screamed out, “These are kids we’re talking about.!”
He went to the local DER office figuring to get this cleared up without any fuss and bother. He figured wrong.
“Nope, can’t do it. If we drop this we end up looking foolish. The newspaper got wind of it and printed a story. Now we got to go through with it”, the DER manager told the attorney.
“The newspaper? These kids have to go to court because of the newspaper? That’s senseless.”
“Yea? Well, the boys in the main office don’t think so. So there!”
In court the DER presented it’s case, complete with pictures. They quoted the law. They made a speech about protecting the environment. They had it wrapped up tight. When the attorney for the kids stood up the judge interrupted.
“Sit back down, counselor. Save your breath. We’re talking about kids here. They did a Saturday afternoon project. Case dismissed.”
The parents and the kids thanked the attorney. He asked the kids if they were all right.
“Sure. We want to get home and start our new project.”
“Good, good”, the attorney said to them. “What’s that going to be?”
Food For Thought
The eagle circled lazily in the sky. He was searching the ground below for food, eagle food, a mouse. Think eagles live a great life? They eat mice. The eagle spotted one! He went into his dive and it looked majestic. Not to the mouse but to all the rest of the birds.
The eagle slammed into the ground at full speed. He bounced a couple of times before hitting a rock. He was stunned. He was also embarrassed. Third time this week. As he started regaining consciousness he heard the laughter. All the birds were hooting and hollering. Even the mouse was laughing in his squeaky way.
The buzzards were circling over him. The eagle worried that they might know something he didn’t. He didn’t feel like he was dying but how would he know? Those buzzards always seem to know where all the dead stuff was. Dead stuff. The eagle couldn’t imagine a life of eating carrion. Why, when there were perfectly good, tasty mice available? Yuck!
“Look, Pa, there be an eagle. He’s hurt somethin’ fierce. We oughta shoot him and put him out of his misery.”
“Sure. You know what the penalty is for killing an eagle? Five years. You go to prison for five years and you’ll know what misery is.”
“Gee,Pa, how come you know so much?”
“I’m Ben Cartwright, that’s why.”
The mouse, who had thought he was a goner, was safely in his hole. He was both terrified and amused. This was going to make a great story if another eagle didn’t chomp him down before he had a chance to tell it. Hope those buzzards are right.
The buzzards weren’t right. The eagle wasn’t dying. They were just hanging around in case a wolf came along before the eagle got up and flying again. They’d take the wolf’s leavings. With luck, the wolf would choke on the eagle and the buzzards would have a feast.
The wolf saw the whole thing happen. He calculated the distance, his own speed, and the probable recovery time of the eagle. Nah! He’d never get there in time. All he’d get was winded and hungrier. He’d also have the buzzards laughing at him and, possibly, the mouse. Hmm. He could root out the mouse and at least have a snack. There was the chance that he’d mistake a mouse hole for a snake hole though.
Come on, wolf, thought the snake. Come on over here and stick your nose in my hole. One bite and there’d be enough for me, the mouse, and the buzzards. The eagle would be out of luck since he wouldn’t eat leftovers, the snob.
The eagle continued circling, hoping the mouse would come back out. The mouse took a nap. The wolf sat looking around for something easy to eat. The snake lay in waiting. The buzzards went over to I-5. There was always something dead or dying there.
Things You Just Don't Do
People go on about how dumb animals are and how smart people are. Well, that's nonsense. Animals may not have the intellectual capacity we humans have but they also don't think about doing dumb things to other animals and then go ahead and do it. People do. How smart is that? Let's face it- some people are just plain dumb. They really came from the bottom of the gene pool.
There's the old lion lying in the savannah. His sight is almost gone and his hearing is also almost gone. He can't run too fast. It's mostly a fast limp. He eats leftovers, if he can see any. He's not the ferocious lion he once was. The brave, young bucks from the village spot him and decide to sneak up on him and make him look foolish. The tribe calls them idiots. There they go, sneaking up on the lion, knowing he can't see them or hear them. They get right up on him poking with spears and he rips them up with claws and teeth. They didn't realize that old didn't mean dead, which they would soon be. The “dumb” young lions knew it and so did the hyenas. You won't see them trying a stunt like that. They wait until the buzzards give them the okay sign.
It's interesting to watch how they milk a rattlesnake to make an anti-venom. Interesting but not something a normal person wants to do untrained. Snakeboy wasn't a normal person. He watches the show and sees them snare a snake and milk it. He thinks it's easy. He also thinks the snare is a little sissified. He a firm believer that the hand is quicker than the eye. Yes, the hand is quicker than the human eye. It's not quicker than the snake's eye.
Snake boy drives out into the desert in the late afternoon when the temperature stars to cool and the snakes are coming out to hunt supper. He hears a rattler and gets behind him. Safe enough since the snake is deaf. At the last second he grabs the snake. At the very last second the snake sees him and grabs Snakeboy. Then the snake milks himself into Snakeboy's hand.
Snakeboy screams and jumps around and finally flings the snake away. Then he rushes to his car and heads to the nearest hospital wondering whereto he can get to the hospital before the venom gets to his heart. The snake? He just misses a meal.
We've all seen the animal shows about the great ape. The narrator whispers so the ape can't hear him as though they also can't see him. The ape does see the film crew and starts grunting, beating his chest, jumping up and down and charging. He runs about six feet toward them and then runs back to where he was and starts all over again. Sort of looks like a hairy, overgrown sissy. The foolhardy believe this and decide to sneak into the ape compound to tease the gorilla, thinking they're all noise and no action. That's just plain wrong.
The ape will react to a real threat. He'll run away. Apes are pacifists at heart. Being in an enclosed area leaves little room for running away.. At some point he'll run into the idiot. It's like being hit by a couple of hopped up defensive linemen. Then the ape will do his grunting, thumping and jumping up and down. The dumb ass ends up as a blot in the dirt.
Need I say anything about crocodiles? Yes, I do. Goofs mess with them despite all the warnings not to try this on your own. Idiots think of crocs as big lizards instead of small dinosaurs that they are. I don't know what killed off the dinosaurs but whatever it was, the crocodile toughed it out. What does that tell you? It tells me to leave them alone. That's me, not the he-man who spots a crocodile sunning himself along the bank of an everglade.
Yea, the crocodile has very weak jaw muscles for opening his mouth. His jaw muscles for closing could shear iron plates. The he-man thinks that if he grabs the crocodile and holds his mouth closed he's got it made. After doing this he realizes that he has to let go at some point. He has to let go and get away from the crocodile before the crocodile can catch him, clamp him tight and bury him in the bank for a while until the he-man gets ripe, real ripe.
A short note here. Wolves are not mangy-looking dogs. They cannot be housebroken. They cannot be tamed. Get a pup, raise it and it will rip your throat out the first chance it gets. It's like trying to tame a rat.
Leave be Everyone knows you don't sneak up on a hibernating bear and poke him in the ass with a sharp stick. You just don't do that. There are a brave, adventuresome few who do just that. They're what we call fools. They think a hibernating bear is asleep. He's not. His heart rate is very slow in order to survive a long time without food. You poke him in the ass with a sharp stick and his heart rate jumps through the roof. Unlike people, he doesn't get up groggy and try to look at his wound. He wakes up with his adrenalin surging and feels no need to look at his wound. He looks at the soon to be former person and goes after him. He's not planning to poke the human in the ass with a sharp stick either.
There are things you just don't do.
It’s pretty evident by now that living in Florida isn’t all beach and bikini’s. The beach may move to another part of the state or even to another state entirely. The wind taking the bikini’s isn’t a downside unless it takes the babe too. That would suck.
The Floridians take it all in stride though. Hurricanes are a part of living there. Granted, this year the natives have developed a strange, drawn look as well as facial tics and a tendency to curse all storms, hurricanes or not.
“Well, it coulda become one, you know”, one longtime resident told another.
“Yea, out there, out there, not here on land”, the other replied.
“Yea? You know everything there is to know about it, huh. Well, nature can change that anytime and we can’t do a thing about it, Mr. Smartypants”.
Disney World even shutdown- an hour early. Mickey and Friends aren’t afraid of hurricanes. That may be due to the fact that they’re cartoon characters. Surprise! Paper blows away in a hurricane too. Mickey and friends are now spread over 14 states.
The cruise lines announced that they may have to delay departures. They may have to find the cruise ships and the crew. Last year they got blown to New Orleans and didn’t charge extra for it.
John Kerry said, “Wow! There’d be some real windsurfing!”. He was all excited about going until his campaign advisors told him it would look, “uncool”. He said he’d try it next year when he wasn’t running for President. He’ll still look “uncool” but no one will care.
One guy lost the roof off his house but gained a yacht in the backyard.
“Heck, my insurance will pay for the roof. I’d a never been able to buy a yacht”.
Contractors descended on Florida like leeches on a bare leg. Some of them went straight to jail by not knowing Florida has a “no-overcharging” law. That doesn’t seem right to these guys.
“Hey, man!, this is America. Whatever happened to free enterprise? Whatever happened to getting the going rate no matter if it’s fair or not? What’s this, some Commie plot?”
Woman on the beach Still, by January, Florida will be back to normal. Disney World will be open again. The beaches will be filled. The bikini babes will be on those beaches, probably with bikini’s. Seems like they’d just not wear anything and be prepared.