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A Few Tips For Surviving Life In The City

Carry a good amount of cash or carry none. Under no circumstance should you carry $11. Here”s why:

A mugger holds you up. “Okay, give me you wallet and no one has to get hurt here. What’s this? Eleven dollars? You have eleven dollars? What the hell does that get you? I feel foolish now. I said ‘No one has to get hurt here but things just changed.’ ”

It could go this way instead. “Give me your wallet and you”ll get out of this alright. What”s this? No cash? Wow, you”re one of those plastic people. This business is going to the dogs. Well, I guess I can’t criticize you being careful. Get
out of here.”

It could go this way too:

“Okay, give me your wallet and no yelling. I hate yelling. Hmm, a hundred. No a lot but not eleven dollars like one guy I mugged. Okay, move along and no yellin.”


Never cross the street using a crosswalk. You’re just giving the driver the opportunity to see you. Then they can pick a target, which can be you, and plan the timing on the light.

“Hey! Get going. We have the right to cross now,” the man behind you yells as you hesitate.

“Umm, you go first.”

“Oh, you sis-aiheee!”

No, cross in the middle of the block. The traffic there never moves. Look inside one of them and you’ll be watching The Walking Dead.


Never get into an elevator with two fat people. Yea, the carny guys are good at guessing people’s weights but you aren’t a carny person. Plus, a carny only loses a buck for being wrong. You lose it all if your wrong. Note: Don’t panic if the door doesn’t open when you get to your floor. There’s a key for the Fire Department to use on the top of the buttons. I don’t know how they get in to use it. I can’t help you with this one. Just beware if the elevator creaks when you step in.

Never get into an elevator with a patient while you’re at the hospital visiting you Aunt May. First off, you don’t know what disease he or she may be casting off.

“Hey! This guy’s dead,” one tech yells out.

“So? I’m just a volunteer here. Not my problem. I’m leaving and you can take him to the morgue before he gets ripe.”

Then the elevator gets stuck.


How much to tip a cabby? It depends on how fat the cabby is. You can generally outrun a fat cabby after a 20 per cent tip. No one would dare give less. They might just throw some bullets your way it you ever tipped less. I always go with 25 per cent to be on the safe side. That”s important in any city.

Never talk to a cabby. Some won’t comprehend what you’re saying and will get pissed off. The ones who do understand don’t want to talk about the weather or your flight or anything you want to talk about. They’ll do the talking and you’ll do the listening.


On a plane trip to a city never turn a movie on and say out loud, “Hey, I wonder what this is?”

You will be knocked to the floor by a former SEAL and put in a choke hold. The plane will land and a TSA agent will scream, “What does ‘I wonder what this is mean?’ ” Never answer without a lawyer present which you won’t get for security reasons. In other words, you’re screwed.


When you eat out never glance into the kitchen. Never think about it. If you look you will see things you won’t like and, perhaps, not believe. Not all life in there is human. Believe this- you will never look at food the same way again. You can make yourself a sandwich and you will get queasy.

Bear in mind that waiters are not there to serve you. That’s just a part of their job. They are there to talk you into a 350 dollar bottle of wine to go along with your 145 dollar dinner. That’s 145 each.


Never look at anyone on a subway, not even a glance. Don’t try to look through them ether.

“Whatcha lookin at. You lookin at me, huh? Ya best be lookin at somethin else. What did I just tell you?”


Never use a public toilet. This is actually true any place but especially in a city. You not only might catch something you might not get out alive. If you just have to go to one don’t, under any circumstance, speak to anyone. Don’t speak to a cop in uniform. A real cop wouldn’t use a public toilet. They use alleys.


Never pick up a hooker in the city. You might not get what you think you’re getting. You will get what you deserve though although it may not be noticeable at the time.


Never try to be nice to a homeless person. If you do a bunch of them with come at you and you’ll attract muggers. Their thought is, “If you have money for a bum you have money for me.”


Don’t pet a strange dog. Not because they might be rabid, and they might be. Don’t pet them because they may not be dogs, They very well might be rats. They may or may not be rabid. It won’t matter. One rat can eat one person.


Never carry a gun in a city. They do not allow that. Only the police gang members and muggers can carry guns. When asked what to do when a mugger is armed and you aren’t the cops will tell you, “Don’t come to the city if that’s you attitude.”


Don’t use those swinging doors if you’re a little slow walking. You will never get out. You will get dizzy and fall. Then the door will drag you around. Don’t do this. It sounds a lot like common sense but you’d be surprised at how many times it happens. Ever seen a dirty door floor on a revolving door?


 

My Story- Zoe

Cowpoke

Mommy and Daddy decided to go on vacation. From what I don’t know. I never see them do anything to get tired. I’m a little blind but still...I heard this and got excited. I’d never gone on one, whatever it was. The three big “kids”were excited too so I thought it must be a really big deal. Then they all started talking about what to do with me while they were gone. Huh?

My step-brother, a floppy eared pain in the ass, was going to be taken care of by the biggest kid’s friend. No mention of me. Okay, I’m old and mostly blind. I pee without notice. Sometimes I don’t know I’ve peed until I hear, “Zoe!”Okay, but I’m 15 years old. I have been here a long time. I deserve some respect.

Then Grammy and Gramps said they’d take care of me. Ya! I like them and my Aunt Sadie isn’t a pain in the ass like my brother. She sort of ignores me. At my age that can be a blessing.

They are trying to feed me Sadie’s food. I’m refusing and I’m winning. Hungry, but winning. I’m also whining a lot. Got that one? No? Okay. Sadie is okay but has no taste in food. A dog pun, get it? Well, anyway, I finally got Gramp’s to go to the store and buy my food. My goodness, the language he uses.

I slept a lot the night before last and decided to stay up for a night. I was bored so I howled all night. Gramps kept putting me outside for some reason. I didn’t need to go; I needed to howl.The next morning Gramps was tellingl Grammy how tired he was. I went to my bed and went to sleep.

We were outside today with Grammy. She was digging holes and tossing the dirt out into the yard. Well, we’d be hollered at for that. The, she put some other dirt in the hole! Then she stuck some plant in, filled the hole and reached beside her to get water for the plant. That’s crazy.

We watched a while and decided to help her. After she put a plant in the ground we went over and watered it for her. Well, talk about mad. She yelled at us and ran us off. We ran all the way to the other end of the fence and chased a squirrel. Then a toad jumped up; then we jumped up, then we ran off.

They placed newspaper down in the kitchen where they were holding me. That was in case I peed before they got me out or I noticed I needed to pee. I guess it was to soak it up a little as if I couldn’t move a piece of newspaper. Grammy would see it, pick up wet paper, get a mop and say, “Oh, Zoe.” What? Like you didn’t know what I was like or could do anything about it. Here I am and here I stay until Mommy and Daddy come to get me.

I heard Mommy and Daddy in the room I’m blocked from. I wagged my tail as Daddy picked me up. I was really excited. Then Daddy put me in a cage and took me away. I hoped he was taking me home but I have no confidence in anything anymore.

Gramps said I was welcome to stay anytime. Yea. Like I should live so long.






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