Author's Blog- My funny, odd life.
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My new book-Appalachia Again- is available as an e-book at Amazon. It's more funny stories about those good people living in the Appalachian Mountains.It's a companion to Appalachia. It's also available anyplace as a paperback.
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A lot of people like to drink wine. They savor it. They know the good stuff from the trashy stuff. I applaud them. I also wonder if they ever think about bird crap. Yea, bird crap. Birds bomb anything outdoors with caca. I know that the grapes are washed first but have you ever washed bird droppings off your car?
Think about that the next time you order a carafe.
Earth Report †
Trw was pretty well disgusted with his mission. It decided to seek another line of work when it got home. Living among the riffraff was getting it down. This particular bunch was really the pits. These people are living on an insignificant planet way out in the boonies and have egos as big as the universe. Theyíre small-minded and canít see past themselves.
For instance, , they worry about skin color. How ridiculous is that? What would they do on our planet with itís multitude of colors and shadings? Hope we never find out. I even took a cross section of the different colors onto the ship, skinned the top layers off, and they still thought colors were important! They all looked alike skinned! The skinning didnít go over too well. In fact, they died. Theyíre soft too.
They communicate by making sounds. Sort of like our pets do only these people make less sense. They talk even when they have nothing to say. I think they talk just because they can. My calculation show that 99.4 percent of the communication here are not only unnecessary but incorrect. For some reason you canít get a fact from these people. They offer a made up thing called an opinion.
Youíd think these opinions were based on facts at least. Wrong! Mostly theyíre based on nothing. Whoever says it the loudest or most often seems to be the winner, or something. Donít seem to be any prizes given for it.
Youíd have to be here to believe what they eat. They eat animals, birds, fish, and plants. Really! They actually put those things in their mouths after setting them on fire first. Isnít that wild! Iíd like to set a few of them on fire. I did see one of the people eaten by an alligator thing they have here. Wow! Chomp, chomp and thatís all it wrote. The person screamed and hollered and begged. Got eaten anyway. The alligator thing is stupid too.
Want to know how they choose a mate? DNA testing? No. Compatibility profiling? No. Looks. Thatís right, looks. The good looking males try to get good looking females. The good looking females try to get ugly males so they donít have to compete for attention. Is that smart? They should pair the good looking males with the good looking females and kill the rest.
They keep their young with them until theyíre fully grown. Sometimes, way past grown. Some of them canít get the young to leave the nest, as they say here. The young act like they have the right to stay at home forever. Iíd take them by the neck and toss them into the wind. Fly or die, thatís my motto.
The young donít even appreciate it. As soon as they decide to leave, if they ever do, they immediately start looking around for some place to place the parents when they get feeble. It usually has to be the cheapest place too. How do the young think their parents got feeble in the first place?
Thereís this one group that tells the rest of the inhabitants what to do. I guess doing their own thinking and deciding it too much for them. It is, of course. These ďleadersĒ decide everything and, get this, the people not only allow it, they choose to do it. Isnít that bizarre? Iíve got to get out of here. Shuttle
Ready for a good laugh? They are so proud of themselves for putting a ship into space as if that was a big deal. They put a piece of junk up there that I wouldnít drive over a cliff. They put some people on it, launch it, watch the people float around and bring them back. Must be some sort of entertainment or something. It certainly isnít accomplishing anything. I mean, they know what their planet looks like. It looks the same from up there. The people they put up must be the dumbest ones since they actually come back! If it were me, Iíd take off for parts unknown. Unknown to them, that is. Put me on a ship and Iíll leave and never come back. Iím begging you.
The way some of them live is not to be believed. Thereís this one place where the air is opaque! They call it La La Land. Uh, I donít know how to explain that. The advantage to it is that when I go up to this Beverly Hills area and look back down on the city itís not there. At first I thought it was an optical illusion like so many things here. But then I figured it out. The air is only translucent at best so you canít see it. It was a plan by the rich so they wouldnít have to look at the poor.
In my next report Iíll tell you how they get rid of their waste products. Even I canít believe this one.
Bring me home!!
The Crosstown Flood
Matthew was driving across the flooded Crosstown Expressway when he became concerned for his truck. He wasnít concerned about stalling out since he had jacked the body up so high that the Great Flood wouldnít matter to him. He was concerned about the Bug that was floating aimlessly around. It was upside down like the bug in the toilet right before you flush it.
Wasnít going to be any flushing this Bug. Should be a way with this being a new century and all. Maybe a giant pump to suck up all the water and the Bugs and pump them into the ocean. Whatís a few more gallons of water to an ocean? Heck, the sharks would eat the Bug. Problem. Solution.
Ah, here comes the tow boat to try to snare the Bug. Matthew wondered what they were using for bait. Being South Carolina it was either grits or boiled peanuts. No Southerner can resist that. Well, shoot, theyíre trying to hook it with a cable. Dang, thatís no fun.
The cable guy tried a bunch of times to catch that rascal. He missed everytime. Finally, the Captain threw the cable guy overboard with a shout of, ďSink or swim!Ē.
The Coast Guard cutter came roaring onto the scene. Time for the locals to get out of the way and let a professional take over. The Coastie yelled for the Bug to heave to. The Bug kept right on floating around. The Coastie yelled again for the Bug to heave to. The Bug kept floating, unconcerned at pissing off the United States Coast Guard. Finally the Coastie fired a warning shot across the bow. Well, the hood actually. The Bug kept floating along.
The S.W.A.T. helicopter whop-whooped into position. They sent a man down on a rope to attach to the Bug. They were then going to haul it in and charge the driver with aggravated disturbing the peace. It was going well until the Swat guy lost his grip on the rope and fell on top of the bug.
The Coast Guard was still firing shots at the Bug, scaring the Swat guy and the cable guy, who had swum to the Bug for safety. They kept missing. The S.W.A.T. commander, seeing this, ordered his team to open fire on the Coast Guard. Have to protect his men although the cable guy was on his own.
Well, talk about pissing off the United States Coast Guard. They donít like being shot at. They started returning fire. The Swat guy started shooting the Bug. The cable guy, seeing the holes opening up and the Bug starting to sink, whacked the Swat guy with a wrench.
Matthew, watching all this from his perch, was being entertained royally. He didnít notice the other Bug. The one that rear-ended him. The one with no insurance. The one that Matthew got out of his truck to confront. Out of his truck and into the flooded road. The flooded road that Matthew couldnít swim in because he couldnít swim.
Small Tales One Don Roble
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