The H.L.Hunley is generally considered to be the first submarine. It is certainly the first submarine to sink a warship. the Hunley sank the USS Houstatonic off the coast of South Carolina during the Civil War. The Hunley itself then sank making it the first submarine to be sunk by a warship, the USS Houstatonic. The South is real proud of the first fact and ignores the second one. The rest of the country ignores them both as in, “Who gives a rat’s butt.”

     It was early morning in the Charleston harbor. The sub sat there looking like a big chunk of rusted iron. The Admiral, Dewey Pettigrew, looked at the sub with unhidden disgust. This thing looked like a piece of crap although he’d never say crap.

     “What’s this, umm, er, thing supposed to be?’, the Admiral asked. He wasn’t a happy sailor since he commanded a Navy that was either sitting in port or on the bottom of the ocean. Still, he was an admiral and not some private getting shot at.

     “This, sir, is a submarine. We intend to use it to sink the Yankee fleet”, the young Lieutenant replied.

     “How?, the Admiral asked, “by ramming it?”

     “Why, yes sir. That’s exactly what we’re going to do.”

     “And underwater, you say?”

     “Correct again, sir.”

     “Now, sonny, I’ve been a sailor, boy and man. You can’t sail a ship underwater. Besides, you don’t even have a sail. How do you think you’re going to get this, umm, contraption out there?”

     “Submarine, sir, it’s a submarine. We’ll power it by handcranking it. Then, when we get there, we ram a ship. Put a hole in her and down she’ll go. Since they aren’t built for underwater, we win.”

     The crew got on board for a test run for the Admiral. The Lieutenant waved and the sub moved out into the harbor. Then the sub went underwater. It was completely out of sight. To be truthful, the Admiral was impressed. This seemed like an idiotic idea but maybe, just maybe........

     All of a sudden the harbor area was filling up with sailors. They were coughing and gagging and yelling. It was the crew of the submarine. What they were yelling was that they couldn’t swim. The Admiral felt like jumping right in and saving them. He didn’t because he couldn’t swim either.

     Ropes were thrown and the men brought in to shore. The lieutenant was brought in last. He seemed reluctant to be brought in. You could tell by the fact that he was hitting at the men trying to save him. Probably delirious. As the Admiral approached the men he could hear some loud talking.

     “The dummy forgot to close the hatch. What an idiot”, one of the crewmen was saying.

     “Sir”, the Lieutenant said to the Admiral, “I’d like to try again. Never say die, I always say.”

     “No, just do it, don’t say it. I sure ain’t gonna go back out there with you”, one of the other crewmen said. He seemed to be speaking for all the crew.

     The Admiral didn’t blame them for that. He’d never go out there in this piece of junk. On the other hand, the Lieutenant was an officer and a gentleman and the crew weren’t.

     “Men, listen to me. Where’s your espirit de corps? You going to let one little set back throw you off. Is that what the South is made of. I’m ashamed. Yes, ashamed. We pay you extra and at the first sign of trouble you want to quit. Shame, men, shame!”

     “Trouble? Trouble, sir?”, another man piped up. “That idiot liked to drown us. As far as the money, we get paid in Confederate dollars. They ain’t worth crap.”

     Crap? The Admiral wouldn’t ever use that word.

     “OK, how about if I pay you in whiskey?”, he asked.

     “Before or afterwards?”, they wanted to know.

     “Before.”

     “OK, we’ll do ‘er”

     The Admiral figured they’d have to be a little drunk to go back out. He’d have to be real drunk to go out in that thing! No, it’s a crackpot idea. Boats underwater. That’s like trying to build a machine to fly. My word, some people will think of the nuttiest things.