OK, guys.

I learned the most important lesson in life while I went to high school. I didn't learn it there. In fact, I never learned anything useful there. Everything I needed to know to work and live I already knew. The best lesson was this: whatever you need to know about life, ask a girl. That's it.

I heard this from a girl I used to walk home from school. I was a sophomore and she was a senior. She thought I was pretty much harmless at that age. I was.

"Don't ever pay any attention to what guys say about girls. No guy, including you, will ever have the first idea about us. Ask a girl instead."

Why? Because, except for survival, everything you want involves a girl. Everything. No matter what it is it will lead back to a girl. The best advice will come from the source. Is it because a girl won't lie to you like you will to her? If you think that, stop reading this and get to a hospital. No. it's because a girl will tell you which lies work!

A girl will tell you that what a guy looks like doesn't matter as long as he's cute. See that? A guy will say a girl's looks don't matter and then start laughing. A girl will contradict herself. But, she won't laugh.

"Oh, Frankie, thanks for asking me out but I don't like the part in your hair."

A girl always says she wants a guy to treat her with respect. That means buy her stuff. Jewelry is best but flowers and chocolate work if the girl's not that great looking.

"Jeez, Pete, that necklace is better looking than your girlfriend."

"You're right. Heck, I'll take it back and buy her a Hershey's Bar."

A girl says she wants a guy to talk to her, not at her. Truth is, she doesn't care since she's not going to be listening. Naturally, she expects a guy to listen to her. Why I don't know since she figures a guy wouldn't understand her anyway. No, a guy wouldn't. That's why we only pretend to listen. It's those surprise quizzes that do us in everytime.

"Are you listening to me?"

"Huh?"

The biggest and best lesson I've learned about girls is surrender. Just run up the white flag and give up. You aren't going to win.