Hanzel and Gretel are celebrated as two blameless cherubs enticed by cookies scattered by the Wicked Witch. She entices them to the Gingerbread House and so on. Nice, creepy little lesson-learning story. Not what happened. Oh, the Wicked witch enticed Hanzel and Gretel to the Gingerbread House. That’s true. She probably did have nefarious designs on them. ( Uh, she meant them harm). The true story goes like this:

Hanzel and Gretel weren’t little cherubs at all. They were a pair of rotten, disobedient brats. They lied and cheated and should have been put in reform school. They almost passed up the Wicked Witch’s cookies because they hadn’t stolen them. They once stole the tin cup off a blind man and a cane off a cripple.

When the Wicked witch caught them, they just laughed.

“You old crone, I ain’t afraid of you”, Hanzel told her.

“Neither am I, you old, dried-up piece of-”, Gretel started to say.

“Enough! We’ll see how courageous you two are when I toss you in the oven!”, the Wicked Witch yelled.

“You ain’t tossin’ us nowhere, you ugly old bag. If you think that, you’re as crazy as people say you are, dummy”, Hanzel replied.

“Who says I’m crazy? Who? Tell me!”, the Wicked Witch demanded.

“Me for one. This cookie and Gingerbread routine is moronic and dim-witted. The ‘toss us in the oven threat is hilarious, you weak old drone”, Hanzel told her.

“Yea? We’ll see about that, you little bas-”

Gretel had snuck up behind the Wicked Witch and got down on her hands and knees. Hanzel then pushed the Wicked Witch into the oven. The Witch screamed for them to get her out. They asked her what was in it for them. She cried out, “All the cookies you can eat!!”.

“For how long? You’re starting to singe a little bit there, axe-face”, Gretel asked.

“Forever! Forever!”, the Wicked witch screamed.