Green Polar Bears

Polar bears, all white and fluffy, are beautiful creatures. Seals don’t think that but what do we care? Yes, you wouldn’t want to meet a polar bear in the wild unless you were armed with a nuclear device but that doesn’t take away from their beauty. No, you shouldn’t pet one unless you want to be one-armed or dead. Still, they have a beauty to them.

Down South, there’s a problem. There are no polar bears except on the zoo. Something to do with the South being non-polar or some such nonsense. In the South you have to go to a zoo to see a polar bear. You also have to go the first month a new bear arrives. If you don’t you won’t see a beautiful white polar bear. You’ll see an ugly green polar bear.

The green ones have the same rules. Pet one and you better be ambidextrous or have your life insurance paid up in full. Now, they’re not only mean but ugly to boot. They’re green because of the heat and the humidity. Yes, the heat. It’s the heat and the humidity. Heat is heat anyway you look at it.

They get South all white and fluffy. As time goes on, they turn green and scruffy. It’s the mold growing on them.

The new zoo Administrator wanted to know why the polar bear was green.

“Wahl, suh, it the heat an’ the humidah, uh, all the sweatin’ stuff. Turns ‘em green evertime. Queeres’ thing Ah ever seed”, the zoo vet told him.

“Uh, what school did you graduate from?”, the Administrator asked.

“Uh, Ah didn’ actally finish up larnin’. Seems I didn’ pass so I took this here job”, the vet answered.

“I see. Why is the polar bear green instead of white. What does mold have to do with it?”, the Administrator asked.

“Wahl, mold’ll turn anahthin’ green. Whatcha goin’ do? Bleach ‘em?”, the vet asked.

“I was thinking along those lines. Add a little extra chlorine to the water. Purifies the water and kills the mold. White polar bears again”.

“Chlor- what? We just use the ole swamp water. It be a mite brackish-like but it also be free. Folks in these parts don’ min green bars at all”.