Daniel “Big Bill” O’Day was shooting dice with the chief of the Schmuck tribe. O’Day was planning to cheat, of course, but he wanted to set the chief up first by letting him win. O’Day lost his pack mule, his horse, his rifle, his Bowie knife and, finally, his gold tooth.

He removed his gold tooth by battering it out with his former Bowie knife. The chief thought it was a great act of courage but still took it. At this point O’Day figured he had the chief pretty well set up. He palmed the dice and replaced them with his loaded ones. The chief didn’t seem notice it.

The chief did notice it but was too busy arguing with his wife, Running Mouth. They went at it pretty good. O’Day was surprised since the Schmuck usually just ran the wife off if they got mad. The chief seemed to take it pretty good. Must be the winning.

It wasn’t. What they had been arguing about was their eldest daughter. She was 30 moons and not married. The chief couldn’t give her away. He once left her behind when they fled a Blackfoot raid. A day later the Blackfeet returned her in the middle of the night, the sniveling, horse thieving, gutless cowards.

The girl went three hundred pounds and the chief was tired of hunting once for her and once for the rest of his family. He had offered her to Wolf That Howls along with a rifle. Wolf That Howls said no.

“Wolf That Howls, she would keep your wigwam warm in the coldest night without a fire”.

“She might roll over and smother me. That would be bad medicine”.

Well, yes, it would be bad medicine.

O’Day was down to his clothes and it was time to snooker the chief. He bet it all on one roll of the dice. The chief studied O’Day. He seemed stupid enough. Most white men were or they wouldn’t be out here in the first place, freezing their butts off for some stinking beaver pelts.. He was probably lonely enough. The chief hoped he was real lonely. Desperate was the word he wanted to use but, after all, it was his daughter. With any kind of luck this white man wouldn’t have great eyesight if there was no moon.

The chief bet the girl.

Bet his daughter? O’Day was secretly laughing at this while the chief was secretly laughing at this. Then the chief added O’Day’s pack mule, horse, rifle, Bowie knife and, almost, the gold tooth. O’Day took the bet and rolled a seven.

O’Day was estatic. He kept that to himself since there were two hundred Schmucks and only one of him. The chief was estatic but kept it to himself because he was a Schmuck, not a smuck.

The chief had O’Day taken to the guest wigwam. He told O’Day he’d send the girl to him in a little while, looking at the sky and seeing no moon. He wanted some clouds to make it as dark as possible.

The next morning the chief woke up happy for the first time in years. He stretched and saw the girl.

“Why are you here and not with the white man?”, he yelled at her, “and I don’t want any of that crying crap. By Great Spirit, you need to be married”.

“I was with the white man. We were playing a game with little white rocks. I did good, father. I won his pack mule, his horse, his Bowie knife and , in place of a gold tooth, a divorce. I did good”.

The chief decided he was a smuck after all.