Here in South Carolina we have two types of people. Natives and "from off'. That's right, from off. The locals say it sneeringly too. It's not a joke. I don't care if you were brought here at one-week old, you always from off. You will never be accepted as anything else. People from off are never welcome and are the object of all the natives' criticism. All of it.

There are, however, different classes of off. The bordering states are just a little off. The farther away you get, the more off you get. Of course, damn Yankees are both off and damn Yankees No getting around it. What bothers the natives is that no one from off really gives a rat's ass about it.

The natives complain that all the people from off do is ridicule of the native traditions. That's true. We start with the phony Southern hospitality nonsense. In all my years down here (I guess you can see that I'm from off. I'm also a damn Yankee. I married a southern girl but she's from off too.), I've seen it one time that wasn't faked. The locals almost make a parody of the Southern hospitality. You know they don't mean it but you try not to laugh at it.

We gag at the thought of boiled peanuts. The natives take great pride in boiled peanuts. I tried one once. I spit it out. It tasted the exact way it smelled, horrible. The locals gobble them up as fast as they can be boiled.

Then we have the basket makers. They're on every corner of every town. Now, the baskets are great. Well made and sturdy. That's not the weird part. The weird part is that you aren't supposed to watch them being made. I guess they're some secret weaving they don't want to let out. If you look at a basket maker for more than two seconds, you get asked what you're looking at.

The locals have a big thing about cemeteries. They have guided tours of three-hundred year old cemeteries. I mean, really. I've seem cemeteries for free. Why would I pay to see one? Also, how much guiding do you need? "Here's a grave and over here is another grave."

They have tours of plantations. That's okay as far as it goes. They all have the slave quarters open for you to look at. I think I'd try to slide that past the tourists. Not here though. They never claim to be proud of slavery but they charge you to see how they lived. Being black won't get you a discount either.

There is a proper time to where white. May to October. What that's about I don't know. There are only two seasons here- summer and hell. They have the Ladies in Red and the Red Hat Society. One has nothing to do with the other and neither has anything to do with each other.

The drivers here think the yield sign on the on ramps applies to those driving the Interstate, not those entering it. They're real fanatical about that, depending on who has the bigger or more expensive vehicle.

Personally, I think the natives are the ones a little "off."