The latest upsetting news from the government is that the Asian Flying Carp is on the loose and taking over our waterways. Like so many asinine things, the Asian flying carp was imported to help control certain weeds in our swamps and marshes. The weeds were brought here originally to help control certain insects in our swamps and marshes. The insects...well let’s not belabor the point. This is about another government idea gone awry.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time”, a government official said, off the record.

“Yes, sir”, the reporter responded. “Now it looks like a idea that sucks.”

At first the Asian Flying Carp was a great success. The “bad” weeds were starting to recede, and in some places, disappear altogether. The Asian Flying Carp were getting hungry and, remember the name, able to go from the swamp or marsh to the rivers that fed into them. They devoured any weeds in their path. They also scared the crap out of local fishermen.

“Holy Dang! Whet en the world wuz thet?”, Andy asked his friend Willie.

“Whet wuz whet?”, Willie asked.

“That durn fish! It done jumped clear out a the watah! Musta gone a good four foot en the ar! Ah ain’t nevah seen the likes a thet!”, Andy told him.

“Andy, ah believes maybe half a whet ya tell me. This ain’t thet half”.

The city of Chicago erected electrified fences across the waterway feeding the Great Lakes to try and protect the lakes from the Asian Flying Carp. No reports issued yet but remember all those horror movies. Electricity just strengthens whatever hits them, except humans. Humans it kills. That’s sort of an odd thing. We die but some one-cell virus becomes the Super-Unkillable Creature From the Black Lagoon, buzzing around and generally being a pest.

“Hey, boss! Think this’ll kill dem furrin fish?”, one of the city workers asked.

“Go ahead and touch the fence and let’s see if it’s enough to kill”, the boss answered. He had a cousin needing work.

“Umm, oh, that’s okay, I’ll pass on that”.

If you manage to catch one, don’t put it in your huge fish aquarium. You’ve caught a baby. Maybe put it out in the pool. Then invite that obnoxious neighbor over for a swim. As he dives in, throw some rotted compost on him. He won’t be an obnoxious neighbor anymore. Won’t be a neighbor anymore.

The Asian Flying Carp originated in China. We bought them from them.

“Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha”, the Chinese Trade Minister reported to the muckity-mucks in the Chinese government.

“Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha”, they responded.