Going to a five-star resort is great. It great if it's free. Paying for a night there is beyond most of us. That's the way they want it. That's how they got to be a five-star resort in the first place, keeping the riffraff at bay.

When you check in the first thing you notice is that the desk clerks dress better than you. Later you find out they dress better than any of the guests. The rich may be different from you but not the way they dress. They're embarrassing.

They have valet parking' of course. I feel a little funny giving my keys to some kid. I wonder if I'll ever see the car again. Then I realize the car isn't that nice. Yea, get it out of sight. That's why they have valet parking.

You get settled in your room, checking the fruit to see if it's real and not spoiled. You smell the flowers and put all the free coffee in your suitcase.

"You taking the coffee?", the wife asks.

"Yea."

"You don't drink coffee."

"Yea? So?"

The hallways are full of valuable antiques. You're told not to touch anything or-

WOWEE! WOWEE! WOWEE!

The security guard has you down on the floor and you can't move. There are circumstance where you'd like to be held down on the floor by a woman but not one with a gun.

"Weren't you told not to touch anything?", she asks.

"Yea, but-"

"I know. You just had too like some little kid."

They have at least ten restaurants to choose from. They have every kind you want except cheap. You want cheap go to McDonald's and while you're at it get out of this hotel, er, resort.

When you leave don't look at the bill. Yea, you got your room for free but the other stuff isn't. You look at the total and think, " I don't make enough money to stay here."

That right, you don't. Go home. Go to a cheap motel. Take your bug spray and get some shots when you get home. It's still a lot cheaper.