The South Carolina Fish Commission announced they would be releasing 3.5 million fish into the streams and waterways of South Carolina. The ACLU claimed it was another victory for upholding the Constitution; another victory for the ACLU and the American people.

“These fish were being incarcerated with no charges filed against them. They had no access to legal advice. All their rights were being violated. It would be as if the government held suspected terrorist without charges. Okay, that’s not a good example but you know what I mean. Held in inhumane conditions too”.

The Game Commission was soon objecting to that.

“Of course they were held in inhumane conditions. They’re fish, not people”.

The ACLU charges that the fish were held in large holding tanks, fed what the state wanted to feed them and fed only when the guards wanted to feed them.

The Game Commission released records showing that they had tried holding some of the fish in bright, humidity-controlled environments. They asked the fish what they wanted to eat and when. The report claims the fish refused to respond. All of the fish held this way died. Autopsies showed they died of suffocation. The program was discontinued.

The ACLU announced it was filing a class action suit on behalf of all fish against the Game Commission, the State of South Carolina and all legal residents of the state. A reporter asked if that didn’t include resident ACLU members.

“No. We have asked the Federal judge to dismiss ACLU members from the case along with illegal immigrants, Democrats, poor people, as defined by the poverty rate, minorities, especially the black community, and non-English speakers”.

“Uh, that’s just about everybody, isn’t it?”, the reporter asked.

“Pretty much”.

Stephen Breyer, writing for the majority, wrote, “After looking into the nebula and the shadows of the Constitution and peeking around the corners of the Bill Of Rights and watching the Paris Hilton video and drinking Johnny Walker Red we , the majority, just made something up. That’s what we do best”.

The fish didn’t have any comments.