First Day, First Arrest

It was Patrolman Mike Hurley’s first day on his own as a policeman. He was as proud as proud could be. His badge was sparkling, his gun was oiled, and his clothes were starched to cement-like stiffness. If his glossy shoes came untied, he’d never be able to bend over to tie them again. He was walking a little stiff too.

He heard a woman scream and ran, with what passed for a run, to her aid.

“There! That man running there stole my purse”.

“Yes, maam. I’ll take a report from you”, Mike told her.

“What!? Catch him and get my purse back!”.

“Well, gee, maam. This is my first day and I want something better than a simple misdemeanor purse-snatching. I’ll do a report”.

“That’s it? A report? Well, I guess I should have known. You looked like a queer duck runnin’ over here”.

That smarted. Still, Mike wanted a bank robbery or a drug bust as his first arrest. No purse snatching, no mugging, no assault....well, maybe an assault. The word soon got around his beat. Stick to the small stuff and the new cop wouldn’t bother you. One guy, Pedro Regoz, stole Mike’s wallet. That smarted too.

Then came Mike’s big break. The dispatcher called him to say the First National was being held up. First National! Mike was right across the street! Oh, thank you, sweet Lord, Mike thought. He ran across the street and into the bank and into a sawed-off shotgun.

“Okay, man, take it real easy and no one gets hurt. That would be you, not me. I got the shotgun”, the one robber told Mike.

“You’re under arrest! You have the right to remain silent. Any-”, Mike started on the suspect’s rights.

“Uh, I got the gun. If you don’t get silent, I’ll get you silent, jerkhead”, the robber told him.

“Anything you say, anything at all, can and will be used against you in a court of law. If you-”.

“I’m thinking of holding this shotgun against your head and pulling the trigger, clown”, the robber testily told him.

“If you don’t have an attorney, or can’t afford one, one will app-”.

“You’re going to need an undertaker if you don’t shut up”, the robber said in exasperation.

“Appointed for you. Do you understand your rights?”

“Yea, I just don’t understand you. I’m about to-”

“This is my first arrest and I’m going straight by the book. Now. place your hands behind your head, no, assume the position. Yea, that’s right, assume the position”.

The robber thought this over. This cop is either too crazy to pass the entrance exam or he has an ambush set up. No one is this crazy and still on the streets and alive. Yea, this is a setup. Has to be.

“Okay, man, you got me”.