The Enhanced Beauty Contest

Mao Ching-Ling was one of the new “capitalist” communists. He was the Cultural Minister and a non-voting member of the Politburo. The guys were sitting around shooting the breeze and thinking of who needs to be shot when one of them asked Mao what his ministry was doing now. Mao wasn’t stupid enough to tell them they were doing the samo-samo. He thought for a moment and told them, “We’re holding a beauty contest”.

All the old guys got upset. The Military Minister drew his gun and was going to execute Mao right then and there when the Chairman asked Mao why he was doing that. The Military Minister thought it would be disrespectful to shoot Mao before he answered. He wait and then shoot him.

“Comrade Chairman, as you know, we are trying to take over the world. We have started using the round-eyes own weaknesses to achieve this. I propose to go one more step. Our beauty contest will be different from what they expect”, Mao answered, leaving another question to be asked. He had noticed the Military Minister’s look and gun.

“Ah. How so?”, the Chairman asked.

“If you please, Comrade Chairman, I will explain. Chinese women, while the most beautiful in the world, lack certain, umm, charms that appeal to Westerners”, Mao started to explain.

“Ah, so, no boobs”, the Chairman interrupted.

“No butts”, the Military Minister added.

“Yes, this is true as far as the Western mind is concerned. We are going to select a group of women, Party loyalists of course, to have certain enhancements done to appeal to the Western eye”, Mao went on.

The Politburo voted unanimously to do this. They told Mao that Party loyalty should not be a limit to him in his search. The Military minister took Mao aside and reminded him that he was the only one in the Politburo with a gun, so don’t mess up.

A year later the first All-China Enhanced Beauty Contest was held. The Politburo, as a sign that they too were a part of the people, sat as judges. They sat very close to the women. They said they wanted the best view possible. They even authorized the funds for video cameras in the dressing rooms.

Out they came, the best enhanced Chinese women surgery could produce. Cleavage that wouldn’t quit; butts that were like the round melons the surgeons had used as models; eyes rounded to a perfect circle. They were magnificent. The Politburo was overwhelmed, especially the Military Minister who dropped to the floor, dead from a heart attack. He wasn’t noticed, except by Mao.

As the Politburo was applauding and dreaming and remembering that they weren’t a part of the people but had all the power to have whatever they wanted, there came the sound of muffled laughter and sniggers. It was coming from the area set aside for the Western ambassadors. The State Security guards rushed over ready to shoot. The Politburo waved them off. They realized how foolish they had been made to look. They ordered the execution of Mao. Problem there was, Mao took off at the first giggle.

The Chinese police are now looking for a Chinese man who doesn’t look Chinese.