Have to love the way doctors treat to their patients. Not only is the doctor doing you a favor by seeing you, the favor costs 90 dollars a visit. That's if you're well. If you're sick it costs whatever the doctor can scare you out of. Fear is what they sell and relief from fear is what you buy... unless you die.

“Why did Mrs. Holling cancel her appointment?”, the doctor asks.

“She passed away”, comes the response.

“Is her account paid up to date?”.

When you are sick it's, “How are we feeling?”, knowing full well that you feel lousy but the doctor feels great. Another bunch of money about to come rolling in. When you just want a physical it's, “How do you feel?. Then it's out to find something wrong. There is always something wrong. Something expensively wrong.

“Uh, this doesn't look good”, the doctor tells you.

“What!? What is it!?”, you nervously and excitedly ask.

The doctor may be referring to the ruptured spleen or he may be referring to the fact that it's not a ruptured kidney. The kidney would be a bigger payday. The doctor thinks about ordering more tests to see if he can find more in there to cut out. Since he's going to be in the operating room, and in you, he may as well make a few extra dollars in the process.

Doctors hate women patients because they ask too many questions. They love women patients since they actually will do something about a problem. Women aren't going to fool around with their health.

“Well, Doctor Smith, if you have to operate then there's no choice”.

A guy might decide to, “live with it for a while. Ain't killed me yet”. A guy doesn't even know what it is the doctor is talking about and doesn't care. Whatever it is a couple shots of whiskey will take his mind off it.

“This isn't going to hurt. You'll just feel a pinch”, he tells you.

He means it isn't going to hurt him but it will put you on the express train to Hell. It's like being pinched by a visegrip. It's like being inoculated with a speed drill. It's like getting your arm stuck in a pretzel-making machine. The doctor doesn't feel a thing.

Your proctologist is the one who finished last in the class. Other than that, no one would make a living doing it. Not a pretty sight for anyone. The pathologist may have been number one in the class and just likes cutting bodies open knowing no one will complain.

“Just shovel the stuff back in. No one is going to be seeing it and this guy won't be using any of it again”, the coroner tells his assistant. Then he decides which dish has his sushi and which dish has you.