The Doctor Death Diet

The first step is to come up with a name. The Adkins Diet, the South Beach Diet, the Low Carb and so on. This is the Doctor Death Diet. No, you won’t die from it unless you’re goal is a suicide by installment to fool the insurance company. It’s called the Doctor Death Diet because it’s founder is a pathologist. He noticed that bodies of starvation deaths weighed less than other. A light bulb went off in his head. That often happened because of certain chemicals he induced into his own body.

The first thing to learn is to watch what you're given to eat. Don’t eat it, just watch it. If that gets boring, watchwhat other people eat. If that gets boring, and it will, comment on what they’re eating.

“Ever wonder what they put into that sausage? Did you know there is no dead animals lying on the roads around sausage factories? Ever wonder what they spray on the veggies? Ever notice there are no portable potties in the fields? Ever wonder if the cooks really wash their hands after going to the bathroom?”, you bring up.

The guy down at the end of the table, eating sausage and grits, runs to the bathroom, sometimes making it and sometimes tossing it before he gets there.

“And then there’s that”, you add.

The downfall to this is that no one will go out to eat with you again, including your wife but not your son, who thinks the whole thing is cool.

You can drink all the water you want if it’s bottled water. You need the minerals and whatever else gets by the inspectors, if there is one. But, and this is a big but, which you are trying to get rid of in the first place, check for floating mice parts. This is diet cheating. Mice parts are protein.

Anoxeria doesn’t count. That’s a medical-emotional-mental problem best dealt with by a fat doctor. The Doctor Death Diet is a choice you make not to eat. Read all the literature about packing plants and food additives to prepare yourself and get an incentive.

You need to pick an ideal bodyweight. (This number has to be higher than zero since even a corpse has weight. Note: the weight of a corpse is lower after the autopsy due to having parts left over). When you reach it, you only have to eat until you gain three pounds. Then you stop eating until you lose them. Repeat as needed. It’s as simple as that.

How fast the diet works depends on your body fat, which should reach zero, and your metabolic rate, which is what doctors say when they don’t have a clue.

“The problem with your heart skipping every third beat is your metabolic rate is too low. I wouldn’t worry about it”, he pronounces. Of course he wouldn’t worry about it. It’s not his heart skipping beats. When the cardiac arrest comes, it’s the cardiologist who has to deal with it.

“My God! You don’t have any working arteries. You should be dead! We’ll have to run a $12,768.98 series of tests and then do a $23,719.04 bypass. Mr. Hennings? Mr. Hennings!? Nurse, get an ambulance here- and the coroner”.