Deadly Sins

There are deadly and there are deadly sins. The ones that get God set off on you send you to Hell on the Midnight Express.. The ones that get people set off on you only make your life Hell and you can’t even leave.. The most common deadly sin is telling the truth to a woman who doesn’t want to hear the truth, she wants a compliment.

“Honey, how does this look on me?”, she asks.

She wants to be told it looks breath-taking on her. If you’re good enough, you’ll tell her she makes the dress look fabulous. What you don’t say is, “Well, it makes your fanny look a little big”.

Women are smarter than men and woe be it to the man who thinks otherwise. Men tend to think in a straight, logical line from A to B. That’s total nonsense to a woman. That’s like going into a store, going to the aisle where what you want is, picking it up, buying it and leaving. What about all the other stuff? Looking at it makes sense since you might want to buy it at a later time. Got it?

When someone asks you, “Do you think I should.....”, don’t tell the truth. Try not to answer. If you do, answer as far off the subject as you can. If you tell the truth , and it’s not what they want to hear, you’ve proven you can’t think.

Facelifts. Medicines contribution to the Fountain of Youth. Look ten, twenty years younger than you are. Dick Clark looking 35 when he was 70. Great, huh? Take a closer look. Dick Clark’s eyes are now on the top of his head like some bottom- dwelling fish. It’s creepy. You can’t say that, of course. You also can’t look Dick straight in the eye unless you’re taller than him. You can’t look Phyllis Diller straight in the eye unless you’re standing behind her. Standing behind her isn’t pleasant either.

“I’ll fix it myself. I ain’t paying some plumber a hundred dollars an hour to do this”. No, not at first you’re not. You’re going to take the sink apart, lose a couple of parts you didn’t know it required, spend a bundle of money on parts it doesn’t need and it won’t work. Work? It won’t even go back together. Then you

Car salespeople are liars by definition and con artists by trade. They do know who to talk to and it isn’t the man. The man doesn’t want this car but the salesman points out the color to the wife. Sold! The man wants an engine that’ll go a hundred up a mountain, pulling a trailer and making no effort. Too bad. The wife likes the way the buttons are arranged on the other car. The only things a car salesperson says to a man is, “Hello. Sign here. Goodbye”.

When you call off work for a week to take another paid vacation, keep track of your grandparents. You only have four. The boss can count. Also, never, never bring the dead Granny in to meet your co-workers. Word gets around.

Guys, listen up. Never do this:

“Baby, you have the greatest, uh, umm....”

Man, you can kiss your "uh, umm" goodbye.

The greatest deadly sin is believing anything; even if you see it; even if you do it. Never tell anyone about it. If you do, prepare yourself for these immortal words:

“Yea, sure”