Dead Last

According to the US Department of Education, South Carolina was ranked fiftieth in education. When they announced that I asked one of the locals about it. Just to be neighborly, you know.

“So, they ranked us fiftieth in education. What do you think of that?”, I asked.

“Fiftieth whet?”.

“Uh, states, man, states. Every state finished higher that South Carolina”.

“Shoot! Wait a durn minute! Thay ain’t be no fifty states!”.

“Umm, yes, there are fifty states.”

“They is? Dadburn it, Ah didn’t know thet”.

“That’s what was up with all the billboards saying, ‘Thank God for Mississippi’. You didn’t notice that?”

“Nah, Ah don’ pay no ‘tenshun to them thar things”.

“Why? You can’t read them?”

“Wall, not ‘xactlah. Ah can’t balleve we did worse’n Missasipah. Thet be dang neah impossible. They mustah cheated somehow”.

“Cheated? What, they brought in some ringers to take the tests for them?”

“Them trashah folks down thet a way mighta dun thet verah thing. Ah would’n put et past them none”.

“Then, that would make them smarter than you right there”.

“Wall, then theys musta dun somethin’ else, Ah reckons. They ain’t fer sure smartah then us’n be’s”.

“Hmm, maybe they bribed someone to change your scores with their’s”

“Whah, them lowdown, stinkin’ cheatahs!! They do anything’ to beat us. Ah mean, fiftyieth is a heck of a fall offen a high cliff, iffen ya gits mah drift heah”.

“Actually, it wasn’t that much of a fall. South Carolina was forty-ninth for years”.

“Man, they be a world a diffrance a ‘tween fortah-nine and last. A world a difference. Hold on thar jus’ a cotten-picken minute.. Them folks in Missasipah be too durn pooh to be a bribin’ no one. Nah, et must be true. Ah finds thet hard ta believe and hardah ta accept. Man, Missasipah”.

“Well, someone has to be last”.

“Ah reckons so. Ah jus’ wishes et wer’nt be us. Ah jus’ wishes et wer’nt be us.”