The Muslim Council was meeting to decide the fate of the two Crusaders they had captured. Usually, prisoners were killed at once, but these two begged for their lives. Normally, that wouldn’t have carried any weight to the Muslims, but they were feeling generous that day. Normally, that wouldn’t happen.

“Cut the heads off the Godless infidels”, one member said.

“Make slaves of the Godless dogs”, another offered.

“Torture them with feathers”, a third Muslim said.

This caused a silence,. Tickle them with a feather? What kind of idea was that? What kind of Muslim warrior would suggest that? Maybe this man wasn’t a man. Maybe this man was an unfaithful , Godless heathen. Maybe we need to do something to him. The man only had one wife and she seemed contented. Something wasn’t right with this guy.

“Let’s hold them for ransom. We are low on money and, outside of dates and olives, we don’t have much to sell to raise money for our Holy Cause”, another offered.

The Mullah decided he needed to speak up.

“The Koran has a very strict view of wantonness. Just your suggestion of it means you get 300 lashes.”

“Wantonness? I was talking about the fruit! ”

“We’ll deal with that one later. Be grateful to Allah that I only gave you 300 lashes instead of 500”, the Mullah responded.

“I shouldn’t get any lashes. I was talking about fruit! Real fruit! The kind that grows on trees! I swear-”

“You do? That's good for fifty all by itself.“

Meanwhile, the two prisoners were in the dungeon, naked and hanging upside down.

Sir Geoffrey said, “The worst part, old chap, is that I need to bloody well pee and if I do, I’ll pee in my own face.”

Sir Richard the Mousehearted told him, “Gad! You think that’s bad. I have to take a bloody crap!”

“Sir, I beg you. Refrain from that course of action. The smell would be worse than the bloody Arabs that captured us”, Sir Geoffrey replied.

“Oh, and I suppose yours smell like a rose, eh what?”.

Back in the Muslim chambers, absent the feather-suggesting Muslim, the truly bloody date guy was suggesting a ransom of, “gold equal to their weight.”

Another member asked, “Would that be the weight when we captured them or the weight when we turn them over?”

“Turn them over? Who said anything about turning them over? I said a ransom. Turning them over would be a sign of weakness and”, looking at the Mullah, “lack of faith. More to the point, their weight if we did turn them over wouldn’t buy us much.”

The Mullah spoke up once more. “Turn them over? What does that mean? It sounds like a prohibited act! You don’t learn! Another 300 lashes, my brother!”