The Commuter Series
Q Street Publishing
Also by Don Roble
The Rob Saga
This is the complete Commuter Series in one volume. Teses ar short stories easily read while commtuing whether it be by bus, train, airplane or using athe commuter lane. Much like Funny Stories these are meant for quick reads. There are funny, humorous and odd. They are not meant to offend or disturb. They should bring a smile to your face.
Alan Just Likes To Fly
“I take off pretty darn good if I say so myself. I do fly fairly straight and don’t hardly ever get real lost. I do have a just a little trouble with landings. See, when you take off, you just get a whole lot of speed going, pull back the stick and up you go. Works every time, at least so far. Now landing, well, that’s a whole different thing all together. I sometimes,well, bounce a little bit. Well, I always bounce a little bit. Just sometimes worse than others. So, when I land you better put a pillow on top of your head.” He failed to mention they should then put their head in a bucket.
Alan used to scare his passengers taking off too. He was never too sure he was going fast enough so he’d wait until he got to the end of the runway to liftoff. Sometimes he’d misjudge that and end up plowing through the cornfield at the end of the runway. He hadn’t done that in years, though. Damn farmer always charged him top dollar for the corn. He once charged him before he had it planted. Alan was pissed but it was better than talking to the NTSB.
Over-correcting to stay level was something else he worked hard at. Alan can’t remember the number of puking passengers he had until he got that one straightened out. He used to have to hose the plane out after every charter. Sometimes the odor of puking passengers would make Alan puke. Then the plane was all over the sky. It looked like trick flying to those on the ground who didn’t know Alan. That made the passengers puke that much more. It was like a dog chasing his tail.
Alan stayed in business by being a lot cheaper than anyone else. Alan didn’t spend a lot on repairs. If it wasn’t loose, and if duct tape didn’t tighten it, he didn’t worry about it. Alan lived in his plane...no rent. A baloney sandwich made a fine dinner.
Alan didn’t spend a lot on girlfriends. He simply picked the oldest one on the street. The older the cheaper if not better. Alan wasn’t all that choosy. He thought about getting a nice, wholesome girlfriend once. Only once. No, Alan kept his courting to a minimum.
Alan lived to fly. He didn’t like taking off or landing. Just flying. He didn’t like the smell of puke but, “that’s the price you pay to do what you want in life.” Alan never talked about parachutes. Not because it made the passengers nervous since Alan didn’t care about that. Parachutes is a plural word. Alan had one parachute...for him.
Lonnie always told people that living in Kansas had many advantages. For starters, no worrying about whether or not lightning was going to hit the tree and have it fall on the house. There are no trees in Kansas. You’re lucky to see a tall shrub. Lots of lightning but no trees. The lightning might hit you but you won’t cause the roof to cave in.
“Well, I got struck again”, Clyde said. He said it very casually as if it were an everyday occurrence. It wasn’t or he’d be dead. It was a regular occurrence though.
“Guessing that’s why you’re shaking so much”, Lonnie said. Clyde was shaking do much you’d think he was having a fit.
“Huh? You’re the one shaking, not me.”
There’s the weather. it’s very predictable. It’s always bad. Too much winter, too much summer, not enough rain. It never changes. Mark Twain was either wrong or never lived in Kansas. The weather report is always rerun.
“Well, folks, the weather is going to be bad. It’s going to be bad for the next week. That’s as far ahead as I want to predict”, the local weatherman would say. Don’t have to worry about keeping up with the Jones’ in Kansas, Toto. The Jones are just as poor as you unless they moved to California. It’s possible they hadn’t planned on moving there. They may have gotten there courtesy of a tornado.
“Havin’ a right poor year”, Clyde said.
“Well, so am I”, Lonnie replies. That’s just about it for conversation. There’s nothing else to talk about in Kansas except for tornadoes. Tornadoes can move your truck someplace else. It can move your house someplace else. It can move your land someplace else.
Lots of corn in Kansas. Corn cakes for breakfast and lunch and dinner. The good side is, corn liquor for drowning your sorrows and you’ll have plenty of them. Good thing you have the corn liquor since you can’t find enough water in Kansas to drown a fly.
“Jeez, my land’s so dry you can fall in the cracks”, Clyde said.
“I did. That’s how I found my tractor ”, Lonnie told him.
Incidentally, Toto knew this wasn’t Kansas. He was glad of that. When he and Dorothy got back to Kansas, Toto bit Dorothy and ran off. Toto wouldn’t piss on Kansas. They don’t tell you that part of the story. Driving across Kansas is a snap. You get to the state line, put the cruise control on, lock the wheel, lean back and go to sleep. It’s perfectly safe. There are no curves in Kansas. Even the women don’t have curves in Kansas. Great birth control method.
“Say, Lonnie, I finally got a tv. Did you know there are women in other places that don’t look like us men?”, Clyde said.
“Yea? So?”, Lonnie said.
“Well, I was getting some strange thoughts. I liked them too”, Clyde said.
“Well, maybe I ought to get one of them women don’t look like me ”, Lonnie told him.
“You got a wife, Lonnie”, Clyde responded.
“Oh, yea, her.”