Cattle Talk

It was a bitterly cold morning when Old Farmer Brown let the cattle out for exercise after being cooped up in the barn for a couple of days. He didn’t so much as let them out as drove them out. The barn was cold but outside was even colder. The cattle weren’t too thrilled be going out. The ground was frozen, with just enough snow to make it slippery. Cattle have four legs to try to keep up. The cow patties were hard, which was good. Their breath was visible, which was bad since it showed how cold it was.

“Hey, Herman, I noticed that my breath is bigger than yours”, Tinkerboy said. He and Herman were standing by the gate deciding whether to move out into the pasture and chance falling or stay here and chance freezing in place.

Tinkerboy rolled his large eyes before saying, “Herman, I didn’t know we were in a challenge. Well, how’s this for a big breath”.

Tinkerboy sucked in as much of the frozen air as he could and let it out. It was enormous. He wanted to brag about it but was panting too hard to talk. Herman took advantage of that and took a deep breath and let it out. Tinkerboy took up that challenge. This went on until they fell over from hyperventilating. Their last contest was releasing methane. That got them stomped on.

Smallhorn was laughing at Billybull standing in a cow pattie. Not exactly in it, it was too cold for that. Standing on it was closer to the truth.

“So?”, Billybull said, “You’re standing in three of them!”.

“Yea, but they’re my own”, Smallhorn told him, as if that made it better. He didn’t realize how fast the patties were going to freeze, stranding him outside until Old Farmer Brown noticed and freed him.

Daisy and Molly were mooing about Sally.

“She thinks she’s some sort of goddess just because she has that white diamond on her forehead and it attracts the bulls like a stampede”, Molly said.

“It’s what she doesn’t have between her ears, that’s the problem. She’s just plain stupid. She doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘No’. That’s why the bulls fight over her”, Daisy responded.

“Speaking of which, I caught that bratty kid of Old Farmer Brown sneaking up behind me again. I gave him a kick he ain’t going to forget for a while, the little creep. He ain’t going to be sneaking up behind anything for a good while”.

Manomano was coming down the hill yelling for everyone to get out of his way. It looked like he was free-sledding but he hadn’t planned to do it. He had planned to walk up the hill and the skating just sort of happened. He hoped he’d stop before he collided with anything but he didn’t know since he was coming down the hill backwards and had his eyes closed.

The rest of the cattle scrambled to get out of the way, slipping and sliding. That got all the calves riled up, wanting to go up the hill and try that. Their mama’s had a heck of a time controlling them. The calves were interested in drinking milk. They now wanted to slide down the hill. They didn’t want to get to an udder.

However, there were those who felt differently.

“Hey, Francisco, look at the udders on her”, Ferdinand told his buddy.

Francisco looked and stood there shaking his head.

“Ferdinand, those ain’t udders. That ain’t a cow, it’s a bull”.