The old saying is, “Dogs are dumb, cats are smart”. No debating that dogs are dumb. The thing is, cats are too. People think cats are smart because they’re devious. That makes them look clever instead of just sneaky. A dog is so transparent in what he does. Part of that is that a dog doesn’t really worry about what you, the human, thinks of him, the “should have been at the top”. If dogs ruled, cats would be extinct. Nothing personal, dogs simply hate cats.

The cat from next door, being smart and clever, perches on my fence at night. My dog, not too bright even for a dog, goes out every night and runs the cat off. Sometimes, several times a night. It’s his personal project. It’s his sole purpose in life as far as I can tell. The cat shrieks and runs for his life. Next night it’s the same thing. Real smart. Real clever.

A cat will hunt down and kill a mouse. You know it when you find the dead mouse on your bed. It’s the fragrance that wakes you up. The dog wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t hunt to begin with, too lazy. He wouldn’t be bothered with mice, too stringy. If he did, he wouldn’t leave it where you could get it and throw it away. The dog would eat it. Maybe my dog does eat mice. I wouldn’t know and he wouldn’t tell.

A cat will lick-er, wash itself constantly. This indicates a sense of healthy hygiene. Then the cat tosses a hairball up. This indicates that, as many times as he does it, he doesn’t learn from it. A dog will eat some decomposed piece of garbage, come home, toss it up on the couch and, uh, no, he doesn’t learn from it either. Still, he’s supposed to be the dumb one.

A cat can be trained to use a litter box. A dog can’t. Dogs go from newspaper to outside. Isn’t that great! Your cat uses a litter box. You sit in a house that smells like a litter box. You get used to it and don’t notice it after a while. Your pastor, a gentle man of God, notices it right away. He can’t say your house smells bad. He also can’t eat the cookies you offered him. If he did, he’d toss a hairball or whatever.

Remember, I’m writing about the normal, run of the mill, domesticated cat. Lions and tigers are different. They’re smart, clever, sneaky, tough and scary. They also don’t leave dead mice on your bed. They don’t toss up hairballs unless they’ve been eating humans again. Yes, there are wolves and dingoes and coyotes. I wouldn’t wager any money on them in a encounter with a lion or a tiger. No, that’s the wild, not your home or mine.

Lastly, cats can’t bark. Between “Meow” and “Grrrr” there’s no contest. There’s no such thing as a pit cat. No one ever puts up a sign that says, “Beware of cat”.