Thomas Hunter was a middle-grade manager in the Pentagon War Plans Department. He was browsing through the classifieds one morning when he came upon “Joint Army and Navy Basic War Plan-Red”. It was a 1930’s plan for the invasion of Canada. Nothing unusual in that. We had a war plan for the invasion of every nation. Hunter, as a prank, typed out a note that read- “Execute” and signed the President’s name to it. He threw it in his outbox.

Captain Shamus O’Reilly commanded Easy Company of the 3^rd Battalion, Fifth Infantry, Massachusetts National Guard. When he received his orders to mobilize he called in his First Sgt., Sean O’Doul.

“Our orders are to mobilize immediately and seize the Molson Brewery. We are to do it by surprise and by tomorrow. How am I going to do that?”, O’Reilly complained.

O’Doul, like all First Sgt’s before him, ran the company. It was a Saturday afternoon. Mobilizing the men would be easy.

“Captain, let’s go bar hopping.”

By ten o’clock all the soldiers of Easy Company were accounted for. The First Sgt got them equipped and into the trucks. The problem was finding ten sober drivers. These people didn’t go in for the designated driver thing. O’Doul found four half-sober men and women. He told the Captain that he and the Captain would have to drive too.

“What! I’m a Captain! Besides, we still don’t have enough drivers!”

The First Sgt. solved that by hooking some of the trucks to others and towing them to Canada. Then came the second problem. None of the soldiers wanted to attack. They wanted to sleep off their hangovers. Again, the Captain had a problem and the First Sgt. had to solve it.

“Okay, listen up! We’re attacking the Molson Brewery and-”

That was it. Easy Company went roaring towards the brewery. They caught the Canadians unprepared. They were so noisy, so scary, so Irish that the Canadian Defense Force pissed themselves. It was -20 Celsius. The urine froze immediately and the CDF couldn’t move their legs. They were frozen in place.

The relief force of the CDF arrived at the scene ready to take the brewery back. They saw the frozen-legged defenders and laughed until they wet themselves. Their pants froze immediately and they couldn’t move.

Admiral-General LeBeau listened to the report.

“Let me see if I have this straight. The Yanks attacked our Molson Brewery and the Defense Force pissed themselves and froze in place. The relief column I sent laughed at this and pissed themselves and froze in place. In all my 40 years in the CDF, this is the stupidest thing I’ve come across”, he told his aide.

“Uh, Sir, you haven’t been in the CDF for forty years. It didn’t exist then. You were in the Army and then the CDF”, his aide told him.

“Is that right, Captain?”

“Major.”

“Not now. I guess I have to come up with another plan. Okay, this time we send in Inuit’s. They never freeze”, Le Beau decided.

The Inuit’s arrived at the brewery to find a bunch of frozen white men. They laughed so hard they pissed themselves. However, they didn’t freeze. They told the embarrassed, frozen commander of the CDF that they were there to retake the brewery.

“Good! Granted, by now the Yanks have drank all the beer but we can make more.”

“Drank all the beer? That’s a brewery. How could they have drank all the beer?”, Major Ugh asked.

“Well, they’re Irish-Americans”, was the reply.

“Oh. Then we’re going home. First of all, we don’t like you white men. Secondly, with the beer all gone, the Yanks, also white men, will leave. Third, with all the beer gone, we have no incentive to take the brewery back. Hasta la Vista or something like that”, the Inuit leader said.

“Wait! You can’t leave us here like this. We’re frozen in place. You have to help us!”, the commander of the CDF yelled out.

So, the Inuit set them on fire.