Buying a house can be fun. Okay, it’s not fun. It’s a pain in the butt. Parts of it can be fun. Real estate agents are clowns in disguise. They lie more than car salesmen but they dress better. Home sellers think they are con artists and the buyers think they’re expert contractors. It should be a sport, actually.

The first thing a real estate agent does is lie about what you can afford to buy. They don’t mention the taxes or the insurance. The figure you get sounds good until they get added on. The agent knows you will be too embarrassed to tell them you can’t afford the house now. You’re going to buy it and get a part-time job as a party clown to pay the difference. Who know? Maybe after that you can become a real estate agent too.

The second thing the agent lies about is who he or she is working for. You’re led to believe they are working for you even though the seller is paying them. You’re expected to believe this. If you hire a buyer’s agent then the role gets switched. The seller, knowing the agent always works for the seller, gets conned. This time the agent is working for you. The beautiful part is that the agent works for you and still gets paid by the seller. Have to love that.

The mortgage company underwriter loves the job. This person can say no and ruin your day. Only a control freak takes this job since no particular talent is needed. They add up your score and you either qualify or you don’t. If you don’t, goodbye. If you do, hello, unless there’s a bad moon. Then it’s no.

Sellers are pips. One advertised a house for $125,000 on the condition that the buyer pay for the repairs being done at the time. What repairs? Who’s doing them? How much will it cost? Don’t worry about it because you’re getting the house below market value. They are conning you, although they don’t know it, and you are being stupid if you buy it, although you’re too stupid to know that.

“Great starter home”. It’s a place small enough to be cozy. Small enough to turn on the tv and the stove without moving from the couch.

“Have to see it to believe it”. Seeing it won’t make a believer out of you. Nothing could be that rundown and be livable. This sale has to be illegal. The saving grace is that no mortgage company would loan you money to buy it.

“Possible third bedroom”. It’s a crawl space with a pulldown stairs. Possible third bedroom if one of you is a midget.

“Newly renovated”. Had the bug guy out to spray.

“Dream home”. Nightmare.

“Near great schools”. Problem is, you don’t live in that school district.

Buying a house can be fun.