When you decide to move to the Deep South, you've already accepted a certain amount of cultural change is going to happen. Different customs, word usage, food, attitudes and soon. What you usually aren't ready to accept is Cultural Shock. That's what you're going to get ,unless you're from California where nothing could possibly shock you with the possible exception of shoe laces. One of the biggest Cultural Shocks is the acceptance of bugs. Not their existence but their existence indoors as in YOUR indoors.

"My God, there’s a bug!!", your visiting mother screams. She hates bugs.

"Yea so what?", you and your wife reply. "It’s dying isn’t it?"

It takes a while to learn, realize and accept that bugs are here to stay. With no real winter to kill them off, bugs live a normal, active life span. No hibernation for these babies; no laying eggs to cocoon until warm weather. It’s always warm weather. You have to spray for bugs if you want to live in the Deep South, unless you have a ready supply of extra blood and a high tolerance for itching.. There’s no getting around it. There’s also no killing them immediately. TV lies. Unless you use nerve gas, which doesn’t care whether it kills a bug or you, bugs aren’t going to suffer an instantaneous death. You’re going to poison them so they can’t get too far inside before flopping over- and out. Seeing a dead or dying bug anyplace in the Deep South is no judgement of the people. Even the best people have dead or dying bugs laying around.

"Gavanah, Ah notace ya onlah gots a coupla bugs layin’ a dyin’", a state senator says.

"A’course. Ah ain’t no riff-raff", the Gov responds.

It’s the one you find in the middle of the living room floor that gets to you. This rascal isn’t an ordinary bug. It’s a super-bug. You can spray it all you want for all the good it will do you. It isn’t like spraying Superman with Kryptonite Spray. The bug won’t react to the spray unless it’s to get irritated. You don’t want that. It simply wants to get to your snack cupboard and feast. No, with this bug, you have to use more ghastly methods. Something along the line of stomping the creepy little thing into a blob on the rug. That works every time. Then you have to get the carpet cleaner out, spray the spot, let it sit and clean it up. The problem here is that the spot is cleaner than the rest of the carpet. Now you have to shampoo the whole carpet.

The only solution is to stomp the little goof into a horrible, repulsive, nasty, gory mess, scatter some cookie crumbs and call the doofless dog into the act. Rover licks the crumbs up, licks the mess up and the carpet is only a little cleaner. Never use a cat for this. They are so efficient you might as well clean the entire carpet to begin with. Hamsters don’t work too well either. Sure, they clean up the mess without leaving a bright spot but they tend to leave a spot of their own that has to be cleaned up. Might as well stomp the hamster into a horrible, repulsive, nasty, gory mess. Thing about that is that is it gets the kids bawling. Can’t stomp then into a horrible, repulsive, nasty, gory mess.

The mosquitoes in the Deep South are ferocious . Despite having only five brain cells in their tiny heads, they are a terror. One cell thinks to bite and one to suck out the blood. A third one homes in on the victim. Phyllis can be out in the yard for two minutes and lose enough blood to need a trans fusion. I might have three bites max. She claims it’s because, "I have sweet blood."

"How would they know that in advance?", I asked her.

"Oh, they can just tell", is her reply. That is some kind of answer. I do recall that when I went to donate blood to the Red Cross they rejected me. When I asked if there was something wrong with my blood they said no.

"Then why can't I donate a pint?".

"Umm, umm, we don't need your particular blood right now. It'd just go to waste."

Well, back to the mosquitoes.

They have a great sense for swarming. One finds a victim and, through some sonar-based communication system, attract the whole colony or tribe or whatever. The only help is birds eat them and bats eat them equal to their body weights. Takes a lot of mosquitoes for that. Fortunately, the Deep South has enough. More than enough. It’s fortunate for the birds and the bats, not for you or me. It takes a lot of birds and bats to keep the mosquito population down so you can go outside. Of course, the birds and bats required are a problem of their own.

Noseeums. That what t they're called in the Deep South. Noseeums. Can't see them but you know they're there. The biting gives them away. You can slap at them but the odds are in their favor. Even if you clobber one, it's so small you can't get a good shot on one. Do more damage to yourself than them. Noseeums always attack in a swarm. They have more community spirit than mosquitoes.

There is a five minute window of opportunity to go to the beach, or anywhere else, and not get swarmed. It’s right as dawn breaks and right at sundown. Yea, they won’t bother you in the hot, humid daytime but you can’t be outside then. You’d get a sunstroke. Can’t figure out how the little critters survive without getting sunstrokes but they do.

Fleas. Fleas are universal, not just a Deep South problem. The difference is in the numbers. There are so many of them that they can neuter a dog in five minutes. They don’t seem to have much affect on squirrels or tree rats though. Tree rats are a Deep South tradition but they aren’t bugs so...

Last, and no where near least, is the famous Deep South Palmetto Bug. It’s a giant roach is what it is. Anywhere from 2-4 inches long. It looks horrid. It looks even more horrid crawling across your ceiling. It looks horrendous falling out of an air duct onto your head. It gives you the creeps. The worst part of it is that they don’t want to be inside. They come in by accident. They aren’t too smart. Once in, all they want is out.

You, feeling all creeped out, want them out too. Dead. Good luck with that. You think you can swat it with a flyswatter until you try it. Whack one with a fly swatter, if you catch it in the first place, and nothing happens. The Palmetto Bug just rolls along. You can nail it with a rolled up newspaper. You won’t kill it though you might slow it down enough to hit it with a hammer or, my favorite, a baseball bat. Leaves a lot of dents in the house but it does kill the critter.

Then you have this spot to clean up.

If you want to live in the Deep South, get a dog.